Friday, December 16, 2005


"Chanukah falls on Christmas Eve this year!" Shabby announced gleefully while we walked through The Crowded Mall. "You must be So Excited!"

"Oh, yes," I replied. "We Jews scheduled it that way this year On Purpose. It is part of our Ultimate Plan To Steal Christmas!"

I was referring, of course, to The Recent News Items commenting on the criticism of some organizations and stores to Eliminate the word, "Christmas" from their vocabulary and replace it with, "Holiday." As in, "Bobby, look at all the shiny lights decorating The HOLIDAY Tree!" And, "Cindy, I hope you and your family have a Very Happy HOLIDAY." And, let us not forget, "¡Feliz HOLIDAY, Feliz HOLIDAY!" And then of course, Jerry Farwell spoke out and said, "We must stop The Stealing of Christmas!" He never said exactly Who he thought may be Stealing Christmas, but he did do That Little Head Nod Thing, and it was right in the direction of An Empty Movie Theatre and An Abandoned Chinese Restaurant, so it is safe to assume he meant The Jews.

Here's the thing though: We, Jews? We don't really want your Christmas. You can Keep Christmas! Now, I don't celebrate The HOLIDAY, but from as far as I can tell, Christmas just means spending lots of money on things for people We Don't Really Like All That Much. And drinking cocktails with people We Don't Really Like All That Much. And spending time with family that We Don't Really Like All That Much. And we Jews hit our Quota on all that stuff every time We Have To Attend A Bar Mitzvah. We don't need an extra day of the year to do these things.

The person Reverend Farwell really should be pointing a finger at is Santa Claus, because he is the one who started This Whole Mess. I, personally, wouldn't mind A Visit From Santa. Growing up, I was The Only Jewish Kid On The Block and Santa seemed to visit everyone else's house except ours. I couldn't understand it because we had A Chimney for him to slide down and everything! When I asked my mom Why Santa Never Came To Our House, she would always answer, "Because we're Jewish." Apparently, Santa was An Anti-Semite.

And so, Fellow Jewish People, I think we need to Fight Back! We should organize A March On The North Pole! Then, we can Bang On Santa's Front Door and Demand An Apology for The Poor Treatment Of Jews on Christmas Day! And, um, Get Some Really Good Toys! I need A Laptop, does that count as A Toy?

I, for one, promise to bring him Milk And Cookies. After all, how could Santa say No to A Delicious Black and White?

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