Thursday, December 15, 2005

Have Map, Will Travel

Ivy League Educated Friend's Party last weekend was not just to Celebrate The Holidays. The Festivities also served as A Going Away Party for Ivy League Educated Friend -- He was Moving Back East.

Eventually, I would venture to guess, Most Transplanted East Coasters return to The Mothership. Having lived in Los Angeles for over six years, I can confidentially confirm that People Outside of The Eastern Region Of The United States are Cuckoo. West Coasters call it, "Being Laid Back." But, we East Coasters, we Know Better. Claiming to be "Laid Back" is Secret California Code for telling you that They Think You Are High Strung. East Coasters belong on The East Coast and West Coasters should stay on The West Coast. Call it, Coastal Segregation. I think we should have Separate Bathrooms, too.

And so, Ivy League Educated Friend was making his way Back Home. On Monday, he embarked on A Cross Country Trip. I asked him if he had His Route all marked out and he said he didn't, that he didn't even purchase a map. Instead, Ivy League Educated Friend planned to solely rely on The Fancy Directional/Map Device that he had recently installed in his car. He hoped the Pleasant Female Voice would guide him all the way to The East Coast and Keep Him Company through The Never Ending Confines Of Texas.

I have seen these Fancy Map Things in cars before. A Computer Grid displays a Map and either a man or a woman tells you all about upcoming turns and exits in The Slowest, Calmest Voice Possible. I told Ivy League Friend that I didn't trust those computer things one bit and that he should go buy a map, just in case the device pulls a HAL, causing Ivy League Educated Friend to Get Completely Lost. "I told you, you should have Stopped And Asked For Directions!" it could whine to him. "You are So Freaking Stubborn! I can't read this Stupid Map anymore. You Read It! I'll Watch The Road. We're Lost! I Told You So!" And then just as Ivy League Educated Friend would take his eye off the road to Bitch Slap The Monitor, his car would Swerve and Crash. He would Never Make It Back Home Again.

Of course, later, Texas Rangers would find His Abandoned Vehicle, Ivy League Educated Friend's Remains, Twisted Around The Mapping Device, as if in A Final Fit Of Frustration within. "He shoulda Bought A Map," one would drawl, Shaking His Head as He Hopped Off His Horse.

And in Their Report they would Note: "Not Laid Back Enough to deal with Car Computer. Must have Originally Been From The East Coast."

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