Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Greatest Hits: Jingle Be(verly Hi)lls

(The Daily Randi will be on vacation for the next two weeks and will return with a Fresh New Year of Columns on Tuesday, January 3, 2006. In the meantime, please enjoy this Holiday Edition of The Greatest Hits. And, here's hoping you all have A Happy HOLIDAY and may you all find The Cutest Boy Ever Stuffed In Your Stocking.)

Originally published 1/4/05

Just before Christmas, Shabby phoned me up and made An Important Announcement: "We must visit Trendy Robertson Boulevard and Pretend To Shop!" Robertson Boulevard is A Block Of Beverly Hills full of Overpriced, Trendy Boutiques. It is also Home to The Infamous Ivy Restaurant, where you can engage in an Equally Overpriced Meal with Fifty Of Your Closest Celebrity Friends, while The Paparazzi impatiently stand across the street waiting for you to Exit/Have Your Personal Assistant Hand The Valet Your Parking Ticket. Oh -- and it is where you can find Kitson, the overpriced Trendy Los Angles Boutique, or what I like to call Us Magazine's On-line Shop, as they are Mentioned In The Magazine nearly Every Week.

Well, The Daily Randi never turns down An Opportunity to Mingle With The Rich And Famous while they are doing their Overpriced Holiday Shopping, so Dashing In The Unseasonably Warm Sunshine, In A Many-Horse-Powered SUV, Past The Trendy Los Angeles Mall, Laughing At the Commoners Struggling To Find Parking In Said Mall, Shabby and I made our way to Robertson Boulevard.

While I tend to get The Giggles around So Many People Foolishly Paying Full Price for their Marc Jacobs, Shabby actually Enjoys Pretending To Spend Her Money in Some Of The Stores. I usually Humor Shabby in these situations, allowing her to Try On The Expensive Clothes, while I poke around The Stores and Roll My Eyes At The Pricetags. Shabby knows The Drill: While she tries on A Bunch Of Things, she eyes me from across The Store and notices me Hysterically Laughing as I am examining a pair of $700 Pants for what must be Spun Gold. Then, she gets Annoyed At Me, asks the Saleswoman if she can put her $300 T-shirt On Hold so that it looks like she was Worth The Trouble Of Helping, and we Leave, only to enter The Next Store where we go through The Same Routine all over again.

We were near The End Of The Block, in our Fifth Store Cycle. This is Usually The Point where I Demand To Go Home, or Be taken Immediately To A Forever 21, where I can Show Shabby The Same Exact Skirt She Just Tried On, Selling For Twenty Bucks, when Shabby tip-toed up to me and whispered, "Look who is Behind You." I turned around and noticed in The Small, Three Roomed Dressing Area, one Ashley "I have Acid Reflux, Which Is A Good Thing Because I Can't Really Sing Anyway" Simpson, standing in her Underwear, trying on An Overpriced Blouse. "Ha!" I thought. "Shabby, Ashley, and I are Shopping Together! If only I had a Camera Phone!" And right at that moment, from behind The Other Fitting Room Curtain, Ashley's older sister Jessica emerged, wearing only a pair of Expensive Jeans.

Naturally, I instantly regained My Shopping Stamina and soon Shabby and I were Both trying on Very Expensive Clothes We Had No Intention Of Purchasing. Unfortunately for Them, those Two Girls were Too Self-Absorbed to notice they were Sharing The Fitting Room with The Daily Randi and Shabby. I even came out wearing only My Bra And Panties to see if they Started Whispering To Each Other and reached for their Swarovski Crystal Adorned Video Camera Blackberry Palm Pilot to Record The Event For Posterity. Alas, they were both Too Busy Talking Over Each Other and Throwing Clothes At Desperate Salesgirls. Their mother, who was sitting in the corner, did Complement Shabby on A Pair Of $800 Slacks that she was Trying On. But, alas, neither Ashley Simpson, nor her sister Jessica asked for Our Autographs.

Shopping With The Simpson Sisters did, however, teach me The Following Things:

1. According to Her Mother, Jessica did not look Fat in her $600 Jeans.

2. According to Her Mother, Ashley did not look fat in her $450 White Sweat Pants.

3. Jessica can Wear Anything On Stage because "she doesn't move that much" when she is Singing.

4. Ashley needs to Be Careful With What She Is Wearing when she is On Stage because, "she moves around and sweats a lot" when she is Pretending To Be Singing.

5. According to Jessica and Ashley Simpson's Mother, Shabby did not look Fat in her $800 Slacks.

6. Those $800 Slacks may still be On Hold, under the name, "Shabby."

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