Tuesday, December 06, 2005

E-Male From Hell

Voice Mail, Thursday, 2:15PM:
BEEP..."Hey, The Daily Randi! It's Divorced Crazy Guy calling, just Checking In! I really enjoyed chatting with you last night and even though I didn't ask you anything about yourself and just rambled on and on about what A Tight Freaking Hormonal Bitch my ex-wife is, I still really am looking forward to learning more about you! I know you said you would be Too Busy To Go Out With Me This Week Or Ever, but I Really Love Your Smile! Call me!"

Voice Mail, Thursday, 5pm:
BEEP..."Hey, The Daily Randi! Divorced Crazy Guy, here! Haven't heard from you yet and just wanted to say Hi! So, 'Hi! 'Looking forward to talking to you! I think you have my number, but just in case you don't, let me leave it for you again. It's 310.555.7654! You've got Great Eyes! Talk soon!"

Voice Mail, Thursday, 5:07pm:
BEEP "Hey, DR -- I was just driving along and I thought maybe I didn't speak slow enough when I left my number because I haven't heard from you yet so let me leave it again: 310.555.7654. All right, then. Chat soon!"

E-Mail, Thursday, 9:30pm:
"Hey! I just saw you were On-Line, The Daily Randi! How was your day? Love, Crazy Divorced Guy"

E-Mail Friday, 8am:
"Hi, The Daily Randi! I am not sure if you got my messages last night, but I just called to Say Hi! Hope you are well! Miss you Lots, Crazy Divorced Guy"

Voice Mail, Friday, 9:30pm
BEEP..."Hi, Daily Randi! This is Crazy Divorced Guy! Just driving home from work, Sweetie, and thought to give you a call, Love! I miss you, Baby! Did I tell you I Really Like Your Hair? You're Adorable! I Love You! Call Me!"

E-Mail, Friday, 11pm
"Dear, The Daily Randi: Um. I haven't heard from you and I really don't understand Why. I think you entered my life for a reason. Could you tell me what I Did Wrong? Very Worried About Your Well-Being, Crazy Divorced Guy"

E-Mail, Saturday 11am
"Hey, there, Randi. Since I haven't gotten A Response from you, I am thinking you May Be Annoyed with me for some reason. But I can't for the life of me imagine what I Did Wrong. Could you let me know? I like to think of myself as A Very Healthy Individual and I want to Learn From My Mistakes. Much Love, Crazy Divorced Guy."

My Reply, Saturday, 8pm, after 4 MORE Messages/Letters Because I Couldn't Take It Anymore:
Dear Crazy Divorced Guy: Yeah, I can tell you What You Did Wrong. You are Super Annoying. I am sorry, but I am Just Not Interested. I thought that by Not Returning Any Of Your Thousand Voice Messages and by Not Replying To Any Of The Hundreds Of E-Mails You Sent Me Over The Past Three Days, you would Get The Hint. Really, I don't think I even owe you This Explanation because We Only Talked On The Phone! Once! And We Never Even Met! But, you say you want to Learn From Your Mistakes. I hope This Reply will Help. Good luck. Signed, The Daily Randi

E-Mail, Saturday, 8:03PM
"Dear, The Daily Randi - Thanks for getting back to me! You are So Sweet. Wow. I didn't mean to be Annoying. I think I can Learn From This Experience. So, thanks. Crazy Divorced Guy"

E-Mail, Monday 11am
"Dear The Daily Randi: Um, hey. I have been thinking and I just want to Apologize for writing and calling so much. I don't want to leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, so I thought I would e-mail you and tell you and then, I guess if you don't reply, I will call you, too, just to make sure you get this message. But, I am not writing to you because I am Hoping To Hear From You. I am just writing to let you know I Am Sorry For Writing So Many Annoying Letters. You know what, how about I just Call You and Talk To You About It. Talk soon! Crazy Divorced Guy"

Voice Mail, Monday, 11:15am:
BEEP..."Hey, DR! I was just thinking about How Nice It Is That You Have Given Me Some Constructive Feedback. Maybe we can Meet and Talk More About It, say, Over A Drink! Or Dinner! How's Friday? Call me!"

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