Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Simply Giving Thanks

A few weeks ago, I received the latest edition of Real Simple Magazine in the mail. Yes, I Subscribe to Real Simple. In fact, it is one of My Favorite Periodicals! People who Know Me find this Amusing, because my life is Anything But Simple. But, I like looking at the pictures of What Simple Life Should Look Like. Apparently, it looks like A Really Organized Closet System. And I like the column about Alternative Uses For Everyday Objects. Did you know that An Empty Altoids Container can Double As A Thumbtack Holder? Now, you do! Thank Real Simple for That!

In The Latest Edition of Real Simple Magazine, they list a bunch of Alternative Thanksgiving Activities. I will be Alone this Thanksgiving. It Sucks, but when I think of The Alternative -- Spending The Holiday with My Mother, or, rather, MY MOTHER!!!, it Feels Okay. I wish I could say that Time Spent With MY MOTHER!!! was Pleasant. But, really, it's Not. Or, rather IT'S NOT!!!! It feels more like A Really Bad Migraine. Did you know that An Empty Container of Excedrin Headache Pain Medicine can Double as A Vicadin Holder? Thank Real Simple Magazine for That!

One of the Alternative Thanksgiving Activities listed was to "Do A Turkey Trot." A Turkey Trot is A Short Race, usually a 5 or 10k held on Thanksgiving Morning. "Aha!" I thought to myself as I was falling asleep that night. "Tomorrow, I Must Find A Local Turkey Trot To Do On Thanksgiving!" Yet, I knew I had No Intention of Finding One.

The next day, I was going about my day when A Woman I Know asked me What I Was Doing For Thanksgiving. Thinking she was about to invite me to Her Delicious Feast I replied, "Absolutely Nothing!"

"Well, then You Should Join Me And My Family..... We're doing A Turkey Trot!!"

Psycho Music playing in my head, I knew I was now going to have to do A Stupid Turkey Trot. So, home I went to Register. And, come Early Thursday Morning, while You are still Lounging in Your Comfy, Warm, Flannel PJs, Watching The Parade, Dreaming Of Turkey, I will be Huffing and Puffing and Sweating while Running Five Stupid Dumb Kilometers, Cursing The Stupid Turkey.

And, unfortunately, I Can Thank Real Simple Magazine for That, too.

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