Wednesday, November 30, 2005

On Why I Am 35 And Still Single

A Short List Of Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Potential Date That You Met On-Line And To Whom You Are Talking To For The Very First Time:

1. I'm not Suicidal. Usually.

2. Basically, I got married Because Of God.

3. I really don't know If The Divorce Will Ever Be Final.

4. I Don't have many Friends.

5. I lived with My Girlfriend, well, I guess you could call her My Ex-Girlfriend, for two years. But now I don't talk to her because it turned out she Was Just A Whore Who Was Using Me For My Sleeping Pills.

6. It took forever to get A Trial Date For My Case.

7. I tell My Kids, "Look, I am not married to Your Mother any longer because she is A Horrible Person." And I think They Know Exactly What I Mean.

8. I helped Get My Dad Off Phen-Phen before he Turned On Me.

9. Wow! My Therapist says that to me all the time!

10. You are Jewish? Oh, good because I know a lot of good Jewish jokes you would probably find funny! Finally, I have met Someone Who Will Laugh when I tell them!

11. My Sister Sided With My Ex-Wife for whatever reason.

12. My Daughter told The Judge that I Hated Homosexuals, which I Don't, but because he was A Faggot, I lost custody.

13. Did I mention that I work on Will and Grace?

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