Thursday, November 03, 2005

Living In Oblivion

I enjoy that Martha Stewart. Or, maybe, I should say, I Envy that Martha Stewart. As someone who grew up with a mother who knew nothing about Housecleaning and Never Ever Cooked, I find myself Reading Martha Stewart's Books and Watching Her Shows and Wishing, "If only Martha Stewart could have been My Mother!" I think that is her Real Appeal in General. And I am Proud To Admit, I learned To Fold Fitted Sheets from reading Martha Stewart's Living. My sheets never have any creases, as a result.

Once, when I still lived in Manhattan, I was sitting in My Then Therapist's Office, waiting for her to call me in for my appointment. Usually, I never looked at the magazines piled high in the waiting room, solely for Patient Perusal. After all, she really only had something called, "Science Times," which was A Real Bore. And the Barnard Alumni Magazine, which I always figured was placed there just in case any of her patients was thinking, "What if she had No Idea what she is talking about and Didn't Go To College!"

But, one week, I went in there and noticed A Surprising New Addition: Martha Stewart's Living! Without hesitation, I started flipping through The Bible. How to Bake The Perfect Cookie! (Oh, if only I owned Pans.) How to Paint A Wall! (Oh, if only I didn't have to Repaint My Apartment should I move out.) How to Latchook A Rug! (Oh, if only I had No Aspirations For A Relationship) When My Shrink came to the door, I was only Half Way Through The Wonderment of Martha Stewart's World. Fearing I looked Disappointed At The Prospect Of My Appointment Starting, I announced, Rather Gleefully, "I Love this magazine!"

"Oh, that's A Joke," my psychologist replied. "I went to College with Martha Stewart. AND SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH!" And then, Calmly, she motioned for me to enter her office.

Unsure of how to respond to such An Outburst, I remained Silent on The Obviously Tender Topic Of Martha Stewart. You are Not Supposed to Inquire About The Personal Life Of One's Therapist, so I didn't Pry. But, I do remember thinking that Martha Stewart must have Stolen My Shrink's Boyfriend. It had just happened to me, and I was Angry. But, I wasn't thinking, If That Boyfriend Thief Ever Launches A Successful Magazine, I Am Going To Subscribe As A Joke! I was just thinking that that was The Meanest Thing I Could Ever think Of Some Girl Doing To Another Girl.

And, in My Heart Of Hearts, I think even Martha would have to Agree, Stealing One's Good Friend's Boyfriend is not necessarily such A Good Thing.

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