Friday, November 04, 2005

Birth (Out Of My) Control

My Fitness Instructor is Trying To Have A Baby and it is Interfering with My Workout Schedule.

Apparently, when you are Trying To Have A Baby, you are not supposed to exercise too much the week you are ovulating and you don't want to be "too thin." You would think, as a woman, I would know these baby making rules. I can only Dream Of The Day, I, too, will be able to say, "I Am Trying To Have A Baby!" And, of course, "I am Too Thin!" Unfortunately, I have spent a lifetime mastering the methods of How Not To Have A Baby. I can recite All The Brand Names that exist for The Pill, and recite Their Various Side Effects. If blindfolded, I am pretty sure I can tell you The Maker of Any Condom placed in front of me, just by touch and smell alone. And Yes, I Own A Blindfold.

Because My Fitness Instructor Is Trying To Have A Baby, she is taking Her "Ovulation Week" off and Utilizing Inferior Subs. This prevents me from Taking Class. Ironically, I Ovulate The Week After My Fitness Instructor and never feel like working out then because I am Moody and My Boobs Hurt. You would think we could maybe coincide our Ovulation Schedules so that She Misses Class when I Miss Class. But, that is probably Easier Said Than Done.

I don't know what I am going to do when She Inevitably Misses Nine Months To Have A Stupid Baby. And then takes Maternity Leave. And then Never Ever Returns To Work because she decides to become a Stay At Home Mom. She may be Satisfied, but, then My Workout Schedule will be Really Screwed Up.

My Fitness Instructor may be holding Her New Baby, but I will still be holding A Brand New Box Of Trojans.

And, of course, wearing The Blindfold.

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