Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Jeepers, Peepers!

Last Thursday, at around 2:30am, I decided I had Enough Of The Day and should Get Ready For Bed. I am A Night Owl and rarely do I fall asleep Before 12am. In fact, I can't remember the last time I went to sleep Before 1am. Naturally, I Despise Mornings.

In my bedroom, I took out my pajamas and Undressed. Standing Completely Naked, I did the usual, "Do I look Fat?" in my mirror. And the, "I think I need A Boob Lift." And the Ever-Nightly, "Why does My Ass Have To Jiggle When I Jump Up And Down and Pretend To Sing Like Madonna?" when I suddenly heard A Rustling At My Window. A quick glance to the small un-curtained area where my fan is placed produced A Set Of Eyes! Someone was Hanging Onto The Window Gates and Looking Through The Crack In My Binds! I had A Peeping Tom! How Exciting! I mean, How... YUCK!

I Screamed and quickly Ran For Cover behind my bed. OH. MY. GOD. As I watched Mr. Creepy Peepy monkey-bar his way along the window gates, I grabbed My PJs and Dressed. And then I crawled into my living room and picked up My Cell Phone. Holding it out like A Weapon, I gingerly approached the window and shouted, "I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MISTER CRAZY PEEPING TOM MAN, BUT I HAVE A SIDEKICK IN MY HAND AND I AM CALLING THE POLICE!" T-Mobile would Show Him! Ha!

Suddenly, Mr. Creepy Peepy exposed his face. And that's when I discovered Mr. Creepy Peepy was My Really Cute, "I'm In A Band, But Right Now I Work In A Mail Room!" 22-Year-Old Upstairs Neighbor. As he Hung Onto My Window Gates For Dear Life, he Drunkenly tried to explain to me that he had been Locked Out Of His Apartment Because His Band/Roommate Had Passed Out, but A Few Footsteps and A Loud Crash On My Ceiling extinguished that excuse. As he Shamefully jumped down, I began to Panic. Oh, No! How long might he have been Peering In My Window, Watching Me? What did he See!? He saw me Without Any Clothes On!! Without Permission! And Without Even Buying Me A Drink!! I comforted myself with the notion that Maybe He Really Was Locked Out And Was Trying Not To Look.

About 15 minutes later, there was A Knock at my door. On the other side, stood My Neighbor once more. "I am Really Really Sorry," he pleaded. "Fine," I said, thinking he probably Didn't See Anything Anyway. "That can Never Ever Ever happen Ever Again." But, as I closed the door, he started humming, "Lucky Star" and I saw him Glance Down At My Breasts.

And that's when I realized, "Wow. Now, he Really Owes Me Dinner."

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