No Diving

Last week, I was in Florida, visiting My Mom. My mom moved into A New Condo Community last year. Before the move, she had lived in My Grandparent's Old Place. I was quite familiar with the whole set up there, since I had been visiting The Old Condo since I was 8 years old. The pool was Six Feet Deep. The Walkway behind the Complex led to A Mailbox. I knew how to Pick The Lock at The Clubhouse so that I could play Pool at 1am. Years ago, my cousin had taught me how.

But, This New Place My Mom now lived in was A Whole New Ball Game. It was So Much Fancier. My Mom gave me The Grand Tour on my first day down there: "THIS IS THE CLUBHOUSE, ISN'T IT FANCY, THEY HAVE A WHOLE THEATRE ON THE OTHER SIDE AND TONY ORLANDO WAS HERE, HE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK, HE DIDN'T BRING DAWN, I THOUGHT HE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT DAWN AND THE FITNESS ROOM IS OVER THERE THEY HAVE VERY NICE EQUIPMENT BUT YOU SHOULDN'T GO THERE BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO SKINNY, YOU LOOK ANOREXIC, I THINK YOU EXERCISE TOO MUCH, YOU PROBABLY HAVE AN EXERCISE ADDICTION, ARE YOU EATING CANDY, YOU ARE GOING TO BE DIABETIC YOU SHOULD WATCH WHAT YOU EAT OR YOU WILL BE FAT I BOUGHT YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF PUDDING!!!!!!"

As she Showed Me Around, I especially admired The Pool. It was Huge, with lots and lots of Comfy-Looking White Chaise Lounges and lots and lots of Florida Sunshine. Okay, it didn't have A Bar, as I am accomstumed to. Or Cocktail Servers to bring me Delicious Beverages from Said, Sadly Missing Bar. In fact, FOOD AND DRINKS ARE NOT PERMITTED, My Mom informed me. But, that meant it also didn't have A Bitchy Cabana Boy to chase me out because I Wasn't A Registered Guest and/or I looked like A Hooker! Florida Sunshine, here I come! Where's my Swimsuit?

"YOU CAN'T GO TO THE POOL. YOU NEED A SPECIAL GUEST PASS AND I CAN'T GET YOU ONE!!! OR I HAVE TO ESCORT YOU DOWN MYSELF!! THEY HAVE VERY STRICT RULES!!" says Mom.

First, I can't get into the Hotel Roosevelt Pool. Now I can't even Use The Pool in My Mom's Senior Citizen Condo Community?!

Who knew, My Mom is A Bitchy Cabana Boy at Heart?