Lost Not Found

I was about to sit down and write Today's Column, all about how 50 Cent is My New Boyfriend, when I remembered, "Hey! My Pre-ordered Lost Season One DVD has not arrived yet! I need to Track that thing!" I am A Huge Fan of This Show, Lost. In fact, sometimes, when I am Really Bored and I have already watched my Double Header Amazing Race Rerun Marathon, and I have already Googled Every Boy I Have Ever Kissed, I find myself lurking on the Lost Website and Message Boards. I like reading what other Avid Fans think is going on on That Crazy Island. And, I enjoy Shaking My Fist at some of the Really Dumb Theories. Over the summer, I even tried to recruit Fellow Friends/Fans to attend The First Annual Lost Convention, held at the Beverly Garland Holiday Inn! Basically, I Really Really like Lost. But, sure enough, when I went to Amazon and Tracked My Package, I was disappointed to discover that UPS claims to have delivered it to me on Wednesday. Worse, they list that they acquired My Signature. Which is funny, considering I was at Work.

In other words, My Lost DVD Is Lost! Oh, the Irony! And my mind is just Aflutter with So Many Theories about where My Lost DVD could be! In fact, I want to devote a Message Board to my Lost Lost DVD where Lost Lost DVD Conspiracy Theorists and Just Plain Weirdoes can post their ideas. And others can Shake Their Fists at them.

"Maybe the Lost DVD never existed!"

"Maybe The Others followed the UPS Man into your building and demanded, 'We want the DVD. Hand over the DVD.' And then set fire to the truck!"

"Maybe Not Receiving The DVD, despite UPS's claims to the Contrary is just Hell for you. Literally. Like, you are living in Hell right now. Think about it. You are."

That last Theorist is probably right. I am In Hell now. I want to see those Extras! And Actor Commentaries! But, I guess I will have to wait until Amazon and UPS sort this all out. But, I really hope some hapless UPS Man gets Written Up for dropping my package in the wrong place.

Or, at least gets Lost himself while out on A Delivery.