Monday, September 19, 2005


So, I am in love with 50 Cent. No, really. I don't know why this Obsession of mine started, but all I know is I Can't Stop Listening to his latest CD. I like that he is from Long Island, like me. Well, he is from Queens. Technically, we Long Islanders don't consider Queens part of Long Island. We think of it as The City. But, people who live in The City think of Queens as Long Island. Basically, No One Wants Queens. Anyway, he grew up in New York and I know All The Words To All His Songs and I like to Sing Along. Skipping over The Bad Words, of course. Unfortunately, Fitty uses A Lot of Bad Words. When I was Younger, I used A Lot of Bad Words and My Mom used to threaten to Wash My Mouth Out With Soap. One day, she actually Did It and it was Disgusting and I Learned My Lesson Not To Use Bad Words (In Front Of My Mother.) Ever Again. I have A Theory that no one has ever Washed 50 Cent's Mouth Out With Soap and That's His Problem and Not His Fault. So, really, there weren't A Lot Of Words on his CD that I needed to Learn. Probably, I am still saying Bad Words, but I have No Idea what some of his songs are About. There's a lot of Gun Shots. I think someone is Trying To Shoot At My Fitty!

Sometimes, when I can't sleep at night, I pretend that 50 Cent is lying next to me. "Fitty," I say. (He told me I could call him, "Fitty.") "Fitty, what are you thinking about?" When he answers, I won't understand him. Partly because he is Half-Asleep, but mostly because I don't understand A Lot of what he says. I catch a "shawty" and a "rump" every now and then. And I think those are Terms of Endearment. But, most of the time, I have No Clue what he is talking about.

Good Friend Who Always Takes Me Out When A Boy Doesn't Call suggested The Real Reason I can't understand a word that My Boyfriend, 50 Cent says is because He Is Not Actually There When I Am Talking To Him. Good Friend has A Point.

Still, I imagine, if I ever was Lucky Enough to run into Fitty, we would have A Long Talk about His Failure To Communicate Effectively and His Bad Words Usage. And Fitty would Listen and Nod His Head and then he would say, "The Daily Randi, I will Try to use Words You Know and Try Not to use Bad Language anymore. Just for you, Shawty!" And, then: "Bitch, get in my car!"

And, naturally, This Bitch would Oblige and we would Drive Off Into The Sunset.

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