Friday, September 23, 2005

Date and Time

7pm: Ugh. Have to get ready for Date That Will Be A Waste of Time Because Boy Is Annoying On The Phone. Want to Watch More Entertainment Tonight, due to Massive Confusion over Baby Britney's Name. Is it Preston Sean or Sean Preston? Besides, have absolutely nothing to wear. Elect to wear Beautiful Black Dress that wore when The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever dumped me (The First Time) in order to Redeem/Blame Dress and Not Self. (Sample Head Dialogue: "That didn't go well! I blame the dress! Bad, Bad Dress!")

7:30: Hair Up? Hair Down? Okay, Hair Up. No. Down. No, maybe he won't recognize me if my Hair is Down because my Hair is Up in all of my pictures. Hair Up. Looks Stupid but may work in My Favor when need Easy Getaway.

7:58: Arrive at Previously Chosen Bar/Restaurant. No sign of Anyone Looking For Me. Gosh, even when I have A Date, nothing changes. Choose to Sit At Bar and pretend to be Busy, playing with Sidekick, Thank God For Precious Sidekick. Pretend to Text Message someone Very, Very Important, but really just Setting Sidekick Sound Level and Waving Thumbs Around.

7:59: Bartender approaches. Send him away, telling him am "Waiting For Someone." He thinks I mean A Date! Or, A Friend! But, really I mean A Husband.

8:01: Date is Officially One Minute Late! There is Nothing Worse than finding yourself Waiting, even One Minute, for A Boy You Don't Want To Meet In The First Place. Dealbreaker! Oh, no, here he comes. Quickly, Look at Sidekick and Pretend To Laugh at Nonexistent Text Message, feigning Popularity.

8:02: Oh. He is Cute.

9:00: Just told Unexpectedly Charming, Cute Date that I was Jewish because he Asked. Caused him to inquire if that meant I didn't say the Pledge of Allegiance. Assume he is checking my Head for Horns. Think it may be fun to use First Date Opportunity to tell him I insist on Jewish Children just to have Funny Story To Tell To Friends. Um...Dealbreaker?

9:45: Loses Me when he informs me his Divorce Papers have been Officially Filed. So, Wait, that would mean he is Still Married? Have hideous Déjà vu. Every Man I seem to meet Of Late is Married. Internal Angst officially reaches New High. Or Low, depending on Point Of View.

10:00: Walk To Car includes Obligatory, "I had Fun, let's do this Again," Speech from Jew-Fearing Date. Smile and Agree, Knowing of course it will Never Ever Ever Happen.

10:15: Home. Sweet Dreams. Never Again!

Next Day, 9PM: Can't believe Bad Date Boy hasn't actually called to Thank Me for Lovely Evening. Total, Utter Dealbreaker.

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