Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Mind The Gap.

As The Wedding fast approaches, I find I am really beginning to Miss My Dad.

My Father died when I was Sixteen. He became ill with Pancreatitis, was in the hospital for Four Months. He went into A Coma. And then he Died. It was a really tough time for me. Sixteen is not a good time to lose a parent.

I don’t dwell on My Father’s Death like I used to when I was younger. Most days, I don’t even think about it. I rarely Write About It. It is just A Fact Of My Life now, 22 years later. I remember thinking when The World Trade Center came crumbling down, I could never explain to him what happened and realizing there was now A Big Divide between His Life Experience and Mine.

And so, I find I am Getting Married next week and My Dad Won’t Be There. Sure, he wasn’t at My High School or College Graduation. But, your mom and dad are lost in A Sea Of Parents for those things. You don’t need to notice they are Missing. At My Wedding, he is not walking me down the aisle. And, I know, he would Do Anything to be there. He would be So Proud. I think he would love Totally Awesome FiancĂ©.

I know I Worry A Lot. Remember My Passing Out Worry from The Other Day? Well, one of My Other Main Worries is that as I Begin To Walk Down The Aisle, I Break Down because I realize My Dad isn’t there and I Can’t Keep Walking. I keep These Emotions bottled up, usually. Out of habit I build up A Wall where I Don’t Feel Anything to get through difficult moments. But, I want to be Emotionally Present at My Wedding. Only I fear that means All Of My Bottled Up Emotions Regarding My Father are going to be Woken Up, too. I really hope I can get through it.

Originally, Totally Awesome FiancĂ© and I were going to do Some Sort Of Memorial Table at The Wedding, displaying pictures of My Dad and His Parents, who have Died. As we were putting it together, choosing photographs, I found it Too Heart Wrenching. I didn’t want people to Ask About It at The Wedding. We didn’t want A Public Display Of Loss.

Instead, I will carry a small photograph of My Dad in a locket that I will wrap around My Bouquet. It will be More Personal that way, I think. And I will work to remind myself he is there, He Is Definitely There.

Even if it means it is Only In The Locket.

And My Heart.

My Dad and Me. (I'm the Baby.)


evilsciencechick said...


We lit memorial candles during our wedding, for my brother and for Kev's father (who apparently was a bastard, but his mom was happy we did it).

I'm sure you dad will be with you in spirt. And it's OK to cry - just be sure to use waterproof mascara. I cried while walking down the aisle, and when I got up front, Kev pulled a tissue out of his pocket and passed it to me secretly, so I could blot my eyes. Make sure TAF is prepared! And if you feel yourself losing it, just concentrate on TAF waiting for you at the end of the aisle - the two of you are all that matters on your wedding day!

*more hugs*

Annika said...

I think that is a really beautiful way to have your dad there with you.

the slackmistress said...

I agree with Annika. I'm glad you're finding a way to have TAD (Totally Awesome Dad) there, too.

And while you will be emotionally present, it will hit you before and after, but the wedding itself is just a lot of OMG OMG OMG IS THIS HAPPENING? LIKE, RIGHT NOW?!


Green said...

That made me get all teary and want to loan you my dad. He has a suit and a NY accent and would have a hankercheif (sp?) for you.

Maybe you can let all the thoughts and emotions about your dad come flowing through during the rehearsal?

That's a beautiful picture.

Nanette said...

That's a perfect way to remember him and have him "walk" you down the aisle. I did the same thing and I wear the locket on occasion.