Portable And Expensive Doesn’t Mean I Give A Shit.

A few weeks ago, I had A Fight with A Girl over A Chair. It was A Saturday Night. The Bar we were in was crowded. Totally Awesome Fiancé and I were meeting friends and part of a table opened up. Trouble was, there were only Two Chairs. The three girls at the other end of the table were using four chairs. Their Asses were in Three of them. The Other Chair was being used for A Purse.

I politely asked of The Purse Chair, “Excuse me…Is this seat taken?”

The girl who owned the purse sheepishly looked at me. “Oh. Okay,” she said, reluctantly picking up her purse.

And that’s when Her Bitchy Friend said, “Her Purse is on that chair! Find Other Chairs!” That’s right, Friends: The Designer Purse needed its Own Chair. I ended up in A Huge Name Calling Brawl with Bitchy Friend over How Ridiculous It Was That She Would Not Give Up The Chair Because Her Overpriced Purse Was Sitting In It. Eventually, We Won The Chair.

I remembered The Chair story on Monday Night when Totally Awesome Fiancé and I went to one of those Fancy Cinemas to check out The New Batman Movie. The Screening is More Expensive, but the theatre Reserves Your Seats in its Specially Blackened Movie Theatres With Superior Quality and Excellent Picture Quality. Naturally, The Movie was Sold Out. Just as the picture started rolling, the group sitting in the seats next to us entered. And then The Girl Who Ended Up Sitting Next To Me took out her Blackberry and started Reading Her E-Mail And Text Messages, sharing them with her friend. My Pet Peeve.

“Excuse me, please put that away. It is disturbing me.”

“It’s not even On,” she replied, tersely.

“The Light is On. I don’t want to see The Light From Your Cell Phone. And I Don’t Want To Listen To You Texting while I am watching the movie.” I was also thinking about How Ironic It Was That I Was Having This Discussion In A Movie Theare That Advertised No-Light Theatres.

“Fuck You. Go Sit somewhere else if you don’t like it,” she said.

As I began scanning the Sold Out Theatre for New Seats, someone in her party who was Not Texting Anyone offered to switch seats with her. She continued to Text throughout The Night. Brawl Averted.

Last night, we were at The Hollywood Bowl, which is a big, beautiful, outdoor amphitheatre here in Los Angeles. Patrons are encouraged to bring a picnic and wine and it is always a delightful evening. At classical concerts, The Bowl attracts a pretty serious music crowd. In fact, Totally Awesome Fiancé was not alone when he commented that some people sitting a few rows down from us were Noisy. “All that wine makes people Giddy,” I reminded him, shrugging my shoulders. And then I noticed many rows down from us, there was A Man Working On His Laptop. That’s Right, in the middle of Mozart, there was A Laptop Propped Open, Backlight A-Blazing.

“Just be Glad we aren’t sitting near him.” I sighed, pointing out Lappy.

Otherwise, Hard Drives were going to Roll.