Monday, September 24, 2007

Atonement, A-Tasket, A Netflix Disk In My Basket

This past weekend was Yom Kippur. Yom Kippur is like The Holiest of Holy Days in the Jewish Calendar. You are supposed to think about Your Sins of the past year and then God gets out his Big Book Of Life for you and writes down what he thinks Your Next Year should look like. Basically, it is like A Big Giant Job Review Report.

To help you Atone, you Starve Yourself for like A Whole Day. Okay, it is Officially called Fasting. You are supposed to Sit In Temple for the day, too. But, Totally Awesome Boyfriend and I don’t belong to A Temple. So, we stayed Home instead.

Now, usually, I don’t bother to Starve Fast. Usually, I am Working and I just Go To Work and can’t Not Eat. I don’t bother to Take The Day Off because I only work So Many Days and when I Don’t Work, I Don’t Get Paid. That’s what Owning Your Own Business Gets You. But, this year, Yom Kippur fell on a Saturday – A Non-Work Day. And, this is also The First Year I am living with Totally Awesome Boyfriend and he Always Fasts. So, I Did, too.

And I am not going to Lie to you – it Totally Sucked. Totally Awesome Boyfriend likes to pass the time Watching DVDs until The Day Is Over. I pointed out that he was confusing Atonement with Entertainment. Totally Awesome Boyfriend said he thought of it as Entertonement. We watched Three Episodes of Heroes, All Of Disk Three of Prison Break, Season 2, and A Very Boring Documentary About Ralph Nader. I got restless after a while, so I went into the living room and Knit and Watched Television. Unfortunately, My Favorite Saturday Afternoon Fare is Food Network. Perhaps Food Network is not The Best Choice For Television Viewing when One Is Fasting because A Horrible Headache began to form deep in my skull. To make matters Worse, as I was watching A Show About The History Of Ben And Jerry’s, The Freaking Ice Cream Man came around singing his Freaking Ice Cream Song. Naturally, the kids across the street stopped him, so The Freaking Ice Cream Truck was parked in front of our house, Freaking Singing and Freaking Selling Freaking Ice Cream.

Totally Awesome Boyfriend came out of the bedroom, in His Movie Watching Stupor and walked to the front door.

Staring out the door he said, “The Freaking Ice Cream Man is Outside.”

“I know,” I sighed, rolling off the sofa to join him by the door. For a few minutes, we just Stared, Salivating.

Then I said, “Maybe we should Throw Rocks at the truck.”

Totally Awesome Boyfriend said, “Maybe we should Throw Rocks at The Kids who stopped the truck.”

I considered This. But then I said, “I don’t think that we have Very Nice Thoughts.”

“Hmph.” Replied Totally Awesome Boyfriend.

And after a few moments I asked, “So, do These Not Very Nice Thoughts go on The List Of Things To Atone for Next Year? Or can we just Atone For It Right Now and be Done With It?”

But, Totally Awesome Boyfriend merely returned to his Dark Den O'DVDs and ignored my question.

Probably he just didn’t Hear Me over his Freaking Loudly Growling Atoning Stomach.


the slackmistress said...

Hey, if you threw rocks at the kids they'd have to run. Running = exercise = working off the ice cream. You'd be HELPING them.

Green said...

I'm a big fan of napping when Yom Kippur falls on a weekend - you can take a nice four hour nap and use up a lot of time that way.

Diane Mandy said...

A documentary about Ralph Nader and did you get through it?

Anonymous said...

Entertonement is hilarious.

I would think that watching a doc about R. Nader could serve in place of fasting. They suck about equally.

Anonymous said...

Fasting and Ralph Nader...I think Totally Awesome Boyfriend crossed the line between atoning and punishing oneself.

Anonymous said...

How can you fast and watch movies? I'd want popcorn or something...