The Future Is Now. Except I Don’t Want To Jinx It.

About two weeks ago, My MOM called me. She was Very Excited.

“HELLO, THE DAILY RANDI! LAST NIGHT I WENT TO MY [Hideous] BOYFRIEND’S CONDO AND HE HAD A FRIEND OVER AND HER DAUGHTER WAS VISITING AND SHE WAS VERY NICE!! THE DAUGHTER I MEAN!! THE FRIEND IS A COMPLETE BITCH!!! BUT THE DAUGHTER WAS AN ABSOLUTE DOLL!! SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS PHYCHIC, WHICH I THOUGHT WAS CRAZY BUT IT DIDN’T SURPRISE ME BECAUSE HER MOTHER IS MESHUGGANAH BUT THE CRAZY PYCHIC GIRL WHO WAS AN ABSOLUTE DOLL TOLD ME THAT I HAD A DAUGHTER WITH A SERIOUS BOYFRIEND AND SHE SAID THAT YOU WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED SOON!!!! AND THAT YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!! IT WILL BE AN UNPLANNED PREGNENCY!! ISN’T THAT EXCITING!!!???? I HOPE YOU ARE USING BIRTH CONTROL!! I AM GOING TO FINALLY BE A GRANDMOTHER!! ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE GRANDMOTHERS, YOU KNOW!!! I DON’T KNOW WHERE I WENT WRONG. DON’T ELOPE!!! I AM NOT PAYING FOR A WEDDING!! I NEED TO GET A DRESS!!”

You should know, I Don’t Believe In Psychics. Although, Easily Annoyed Sister did visit one once who told her that Her Sister was going to Meet The Man She Was Going To Marry Over The Summer. Okay, so that was Way Back in 2003. She wasn’t Specific about Which Summer. But, I did meet Totally Awesome Boyfriend Over The Summer. Well, at The End Of The Spring. See? That is Exactly Why I Don’t Believe In Psychics. Also, I am So Totally On The Pill. I ain’t Messing With Mother Nature -- let alone, My MOTHER.

I Don’t Believe In Fortune Cookies, either. Although I do find them Delicious. When we first started Dating, Totally Awesome Boyfriend stopped by my apartment after an evening of Chinese Food with His Sister, who lives Near Me. He was Very Neatly Attired, in A Dress Shirt With A Pocket. I suddenly said to him, “What is in Your Pocket, Totally Awesome Boyfriend?” For just a moment, he looked at me, Surprised And then He Pulled Out The Fortune From His Traditional Chinese Cookie Dessert earlier that evening. It said, “You Will Be Lucky In Love.” I read it and then Quietly Tucked It Back Into His Shirt Pocket. Because I Don’t Believe In Fortune Cookies, you see.

Of course, Easily Annoyed Sister has Lived With Her Longtime Boyfriend For The Past Five Years. The Crazy Psychic Girl Who Was An Absolute Doll My MOM encountered wasn’t Specific About Which Daughter. But, I guess My MOM has given up All Hope on Easily Annoyed Sister. Which, Easily Annoyed Sister finds Very Annoying. Naturally.

I have Really Good Instincts. So, I Know What To Expect. I predict 2007 will be An Excellent Year. But, I would Never Tell You That.

After all, I Don’t Believe In Such Things.