Thursday, September 14, 2006

Taking A (S)Pill

Yesterday, I got up and got ready for Work. Half asleep, I brushed my teeth, laid out my clothes, and checked my e-mail. As I began to run my morning shower, I remembered: I Have To Take My Birth Control Pill.

Truth is, I am Paranoid I am going to Just Forget to take it one day. After all, I Often Forget Things! Like, “I Can’t Find My Keys!” Or, “What is My Phone Number again? I Never Dial It!” And so, it would seem Natural to just forget to Take My Pill one morning and think Nothing Of It.

But of course, That Would Be Disastrous. So, it will Never Ever Happen.

As usual, yesterday morning, I Remembered. I took my vitamin, my cranberry supplement and my dose of Airborne. And then, I took out My Adorable Birth Control Pill Case and went to punch out The Day’s Dosage.

And that is when Disaster Struck.

I watched as the tiny object I just unleashed from its delicate plastic casing suddenly, quickly, Frighteningly rolled into my kitchen sink and did a tailspin right down The Kitchen Garbage Disposal/Drain.

FUCK.

Recalling that I had once read something about What To Do If You Miss A Pill, I ran to my medicine cabinet and tore open The Next Month’s Packet, frantically searching for The Directions.

What To Do If You Miss 1 White Pill
Take it as soon as you remember. Take the next pill at the regular time. You do not need to use back-up birth control.


“Shrew!” I thought. “I just need to take The Next Pill!” But, then just as I started to Relax, I realized, this is Only After I Took The Missed Pill When I Remembered! This would require Still Having Said Missed Pill In One’s Possession! This meant I Would Need To Re-Acquire Said Missing Pill!

And so I performed probably The Most Disgusting Task I have ever found Necessary to do in my life. I rolled up my pajama sleeve, closed my eyes, and in The Name Of Comdomless, Spontaneous Sex Sans Silly Egg Fertilization, I stuck that arm Down My Sink Drain and Felt Around The Bottom Of The Garbage Disposal for The Tiniest, Most Important White Pill On The Planet. As I did, I thought of The Possibility of Explaining To My Unborn Child, “I know it sounds like A Total Cliché, but conceiving You really was An Actual Accident! See, The Birth Control Pill I was supposed to take Fell Down The Drain…”

And so, Very Determined to Locate The Missing Pill, I Very Successfully accomplished My Very Disgusting Task! Well, I hope I Did at any rate. It was hard to tell, considering My Arm was completely covered in Gross, Green, Garbage Disposal Gook. I said A Prayer and stuck Whatever It Was I Found into my mouth and Swallowed. Like I said, It was Pretty Disgusting. But, I am also Pretty Confident: It was indeed Birth Control.

However, now I have A Much Bigger Problem. I don’t just have to Remember To Take My Pill every morning.

I also have to Remember Not To Take It Anywhere Near A Sink.

7 comments:

Poppa Wheelies said...

Right now, better a Whoops than a Ka-Pow or a Zoom.

Crystal said...

Randi, you are absolutely hilarious! I swear I would've had to use a pill from a new pack - I can't even fathom sticking my hand in that goop and if I did by the time I finished washing the bcp there would probably be nothing there for me to take. LMAO In any case, you were determined, you perservered, you conquered and I hope that was the bcp that you found and took. LOL

Hilary said...

I'm with Crystal. But since I have experience in dropping pills (in the toilet...no chance for retrieval there), I have one pack that I use as an extra pack. So should I accidentally drop another one (because I'm a klutz and I will), I simply take one of the same color from the extra pack.

Melanie said...

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

I usually just take the next pill and miss a day that month. (When you're not gettin' any, it's not as worrisome). I like Hilary's suggestion, though!

The Daily Randi said...

Poppa Wheelies: I was thinking more along the lines of Zoinks.

Crystal: I was suppossed to Wash Off The Rediscovered Pill? Oops!

Hilary: Great idea! Unfotunately, My Insurance only will allow me to have One Individual Pack At A Time. I can't even Renew It until The End Of A Month. (Total Bullshit, I know. Aren't you suppossed to Always Have A Backup Pack in case something happens? Like, say, Your Pill Rolls Down The Drain??!!)

Melanie: Missing One Pill is A Non-Option for me because Totally Awesome Boyfriend and I have Lots And Lots Of Totally Awesome Sex.

xoxo,
TDR

Melanie said...

Daily Randi: I, too, can only get one pack at a time. I've read that the trick is to keep getting your packs as early in the month as they'll let you (i.e. after 3 weeks instead of 4). After a few months of the "buy a pack every 3 weeks" thing, you'll have an extra pack.

I don't think I'm explaining this well. Does that make sense? I should figure this out before I find myself a Totally Awesome Boyfriend.

Hilary said...

Ahh, I use the mail order option through Blue Cross. I get three months worth at a time--in the mail, and at a discount. I heart Blue Cross.

But I'm with Melanie...at this moment, there is nothing wrong with missing one. Or two. Or hell, the whole pack.