No Secret Admirer

Over the weekend, I visited The Trendy Los Angeles Mall/Paradise because it has been Super Hot here in Los Angeles and my apartment was Stifling and I wanted to Get Out and Get Into Some Air Conditioning. Of course, I forgot to consider that most of The Trendy Los Angeles Mall/Paradise is Nearly Totally Outdoors. This meant, of course, that I was Forced To Go Into All The Stores and Try On Clothes And Things just to get out of The Heat! Mother Nature clearly wanted me to Shop and one does not Fool With Mother Nature. Especially when Mother Nature has already turned your Un-Air Conditioned Apartment into A New Form Of Hell. Who knows what else she may have Hidden Up Her (Just Purchased At The Nordstrom’s Anniversary Sale) Sleeve? It was Shop or Swelter!

Ultimately, I found myself in Victoria's Secret, trying on Make-Up. That is How Desperate I was to be Indoors and to Look Pretty. To be honest, I had no idea Victoria's Secret even sold Make-Up until this past excursion to the store. But, apparently they sell all sorts of Lotions and Perfumes and Cosmetics. "Maybe that's The Secret!" I thought. On display, they had A Shiny Lip Gloss that came in all sorts of Flavors. I love Shiny Things That Taste Good, so I decided I was going to try them all on! I sampled Chocolate Lip Gloss and Melonberry Lip Gloss and Sugar Cookie Lip Gloss and Caramel Lip Gloss! I have no clue how many Weight Watcher Points I may have consumed but my lips sure were Shiny and Delicious! My favorite Shiny And Delicious Lip Gloss was called Apple Martini. Apple Martini was by far the Superest Totallyest Sparkliest! In the mirror over the Shiny And Delicious Lip Gloss Display case, I marveled at How Glossy my mouth looked. From every angle, it appeared as if I possessed The Most Perfect Pair Of Diamond Encrusted Lips! I licked them, savoring the Tangy Green Appley flavor! It was just like having A Very Girly And So 1999 Martini on one's lips! "If anyone asks, I will just tell them I am wearing 'French Martini' instead so as to remain Tragically Hip!" I decided, walking over to a sales woman to inquire as to whether or not My New Favorite Shiny And Delicious Lip Gloss could be Spiked With Stoli.

And then I caught a glimpse of myself in A New Mirror.

This New Mirror was across the store by The Lotions and not placed by The Cosmetics. And in This Mirror -- My Lips were Sans Sparkle! In fact, my lips looked Decidedly Dull! Quickly, I ran back to The Shiny And Delicious Lip Gloss Display Mirror and re-checked myself in that reflection. Sparkly! I rushed back to the Lotion Display -- Decidedly Dull! Something was Amiss!

I walked back to The Shiny And Delicious Lip Gloss Display and looked up. Above me hung An Elaborate Assortment Of Lighting Devices, all directed at my head. “Aha!” I thought. “I have finally discovered The Actual Secret: Sneaky, Tricky Lighting!”

Disillusioned, I threw my Not So Sparkly As Previously Thought (Yet Still Quite Delicious) Apple Martini Lip Gloss back in its bin and exited the store. "No one was going to Get Me with Sneaky, Tricky Lighting!" I declared to myself. "From here on in, I will no longer shop at Sneaky, Tricky Victoria's Secret, no matter How Delicious their cosmetics may taste!"

And then I felt How Hot it was outside the store and turned back around.

I had just remembered I could really use A New Bra.