Special Weekday Greatest Hits: Karma Suit Ya

Originally published, Tuesday, April 21, 2004

When you are trying on Swimsuits, it always helps to have a Second Opinion. I thought the Bikini I was trying on Looked Good. But I was sure it was a Special Effect, due to the Sinister Dressing Room Lighting and the Fun House Mirrors I was Positive that Bloomingdales Employed. In fact, if Dry Ice-Induced Smoke suddenly emerged from underneath the door to my fitting room, I would not have been Too Surprised. My first clue to Dressing Room Trickery is usually the Well-Upholstered Stool that they place in Fine Department Store Fitting Rooms. I don't know who that stool is supposed to be for. Often I wonder if they want you to take A Load Off, and Rest, in between Trying Each New Thing On. I think it may be a Relaxation Stool. But there is No Time For Relaxation when there is a line of Seventeen Women Outside The Door Waiting Rather Impatiently to try on New Juicy Couture. The Dressing Room Attendant told me I Looked Hot in my New Bikini, but she was a Fifty Year Old Woman who couldn't figure out Which Key Opened Which Door In The Dressing Room Area and her eyeglasses were Really Thick. So, I did what Any Other Woman would have done if she was in My Situation: I made the Emergency Phone Call.

When I was at dinner last week with My Mom and Easily Annoyed Sister, I actually witnessed Another Woman make The Emergency Phone Call. I admit, I have never used The Emergency Phone Call before, although once I Nearly Did, when I was on a date last summer with That Guy Who Didn't Know He Was Gay But The Gay Guys At The Next Table Totally Did. I had Warned Friends that that night, I was going on a First Date and had My Lifelines in place. Shabby Chic Obsessed Friend was actually on a First Date herself that night, and we knew we could call each other if The Case Need Be. I remember Excusing Myself to the Ladies' Room Of The Restaurant, taking out my cell phone and struggling to Not Dial Shabby's Number. It wasn't even that This Guy Was Gay And Didn't Know It But The Gay Guys Sitting Next To Us Did -- it was that He Poured Dressing All Over My Salad When I Clearly Ordered The Dressing On The Side and as Everyone Knows, I like my Sauces On The Side. Especially on My Salad. I eat my salad Dry. Sans Dressing. I managed to not make my Emergency Call and lived through the evening and it is a Good Thing because that First Date Shabby was on turned into a Serious Relationship and had I Called, I may have Saved My Evening, but I definitely would have Destroyed Hers. I am Good Friend.

Anyhow, last week, my Easily Annoyed Sister and I were at the Valet and a woman came out, cell phone to her ear, screaming, "It is AN EMERGENCY!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE CALL ME DUE TO A DIRE EMERGENCY!! HURRY! EMERGENCY!! 911!! I SWEAR!!!" I don't think her Lifeline was Picking Up. Then This Woman calmly Closed Her Phone, resumed a Pleasant Composure, and Reentered The Restaurant. My Easily Annoyed Sister and I Looked At Each Other and Knowing Exactly What Was Going On, we Rushed In To Follow Her because we had to get a Good Look at This Guy She Was Fleeing. My Easily Annoyed Sister and I both agreed, he seemed OK, but then My Easily Annoyed Sister suggested maybe He Chewed With His Mouth Open or Had A Lazy Eye and we couldn't see it from Far Away. I walked past the table, pretending I Forgot Something, just to get a Better Look and I saw No Lazy Eye so we deduced, it had to be The Chewing Thing. I thought of Going Up To Her Table, as I am a Card-Carrying Member of the Single Woman Emergency Support Team (It is an Eight Hour Course, and you lose an Entire Afternoon, but your Certification is good for Up To Four Years), and declaring "An Emergency! I have a Very Important Message for you! You need to Go Home, By Yourself, Immediately!" But then I thought, "If she was Stupid Enough to choose a Lifeline Who Screens Her Calls, This Poor Woman deserves to Suffer." I knew That Karma was going to Bite Me In The Ass sometime Soon, but I was Fearless.

Anyhow, I made the Emergency Phone Call from The Dressing Room. I frantically called Shabby Chic Obsessed Friend, hissing into My Cell Phone, "SHABBY! Where are you? EMERGENCY!!!! I am in a Too Good To Be True-ly Lit Dressing Room and I need you to see me in a Bikini! The Woman Who Let Me In Here told me I look Hot, but she is Clearly Old And Blind, and I need to Hurry because there is a line of Women Impatiently Waiting To Try On Their New Terrycloth Juicy Capris outside my Dressing Room Door!! 911!!!! Get Thee to the Beverly Center, PRONTO! I SWEAR!! I'll be waiting for you on my Relaxation Stool!" Naturally, due to My Bad Karma, she was Screening Her Calls and Didn't Pick Up. Nor did she Call Me Back. It seems I Neglected To Have My Lifelines In Place before I left to Go Shopping.

Thank God it was Only A Bathing Suit This Time.