Special Weekday Greatest Hits: Bathroom Anti-Quit

Originally Published Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Have you ever been in a Bar or a Restaurant and you decide you need to use The Restroom, so you Excuse Yourself to use The Restroom, and when you get in there, to The Restroom, there are Two Stalls, and No Line, so you go into The First Stall, and you see that it is a Big Ole Mess, so you are Forced to go into The Other Stall, but The Other Stall has a Door That Won't Lock or Stay Closed, no matter How Many Times You Get It To Close and then you realize that it is one of those Big Huge Handicapped Wheelchair Accessible Stalls and The Toilet Bowl is like, Totally Hidden, Way Back In A Corner, but The Other Stall is a Total Mess, so you have No Choice except to use This Huge Stall That Doesn't Lock, but you Fear that Someone May Walk In On You because they Won't See Your Feet and The Toilet Bowl is So Far Away that you Can't Hold The Door Closed with one of your hands. If you actually Had A Wheelchair, you would Totally Be Able To Keep That Door Shut by Wedging The Wheelchair up Against The Door, and you think to yourself, "Darn, I wish I had a Wheelchair right now!" but then you remember that if you actually Had A Wheelchair, it would probably mean that you were In A Wheelchair and chances are you wouldn't be able to Push The Wheelchair Against The Door To Keep It Shut, because you, like, Wouldn't Be Able To Walk Or Something, and you would be Really Sad and No One would have Wanted To Hang Out With You In The First Place, unless they were Really Nice, or they Remembered You Before The Whole She-Needs-To-Be-In-A-Wheelchair Fiasco and right now They would be probably Talking About You, Convincing their Other Friends, the ones who didn't know you Before The Whole She-Needs-To-Be-In-A-Wheelchair Fiasco and who Came Out With You Tonight how much Fun you Used To Be and to Be Really Super Nice To You. So even The Wheelchair People are Out Of Luck in This Bathroom Stall. And since there is No Line, there is No One to Warn New Bathroom Visitors that, "There is someone in there!" before New Bathroom Visitors just Go And Open The Door To Your Stall without Knocking First. So, you Put Down Your Bag, as a Deterrent to New Bathroom Visitors, just in case they Can't See Your Feet. And then, you somehow Contort Your Body so that The Tips Of The Fingers Of Your Right Hand can Keep The Door Closed, and with The Left Hand and Your Teeth, you Undo Your Clothes and then, when you are All Finished, you use Your Left Foot to Flush The Toilet and Your Right Hand and Your Teeth to Redo Your Clothes and at the same time, you are Headbutting The Door to make sure No One Walks In On You because, Just Now, Someone New Entered The Bathroom and they are About To Enter The Other Stall, the one that is a Total Mess, and you know in a second they are going to think to themselves, "This Stall Is A Mess. I shall Have To Use The Other Stall!"

But, by then, you are All Done and Washing Your Hands pretending like there was Nothing At All Unusual about this Public Bathroom Experience.

Your only Comfort is knowing that The New Person, the one who just walked into Your Stall when they noticed theirs was a Total Mess and Your Stall is now Free, is going to be doing the Same Ridiculous Bag-Deterring-One-Handed-Head-Butting-Leg-Arm-Teeth-Contortioning that you just Had To Do to use The Same Stall, especially since you can hear them Trying To Get The Door Closed and Cursing Under Their Breath.

Hell, it happens to All Of Us.