Date My MOM!!!

Every Saturday Morning, I watch My MTV. I have been doing this since I was 16. At the time, I figured it was a step up from Cartoons. Now, it is just a habit. No matter what is on, I will watch it until about 12 noon when I finally get dressed and get a life. From experience, I can tell you, The Powers That Be at MTV like to Mix It Up on Saturday Mornings. There is always something different on, which lets me see a cross section of MTV's programming.

Recently, I caught a marathon of this show called, Date My Mom. On this game show of sorts, a boy or a girl goes on a date with three different moms. The Moms are all vying for dates for their kids. If the mom is chosen at the end of the show, she wins a date for her son or daughter with the kid they just spent the day with.

This show, Date My Mom, Fascinates me. All the moms that they find for this show are Cool and Friendly and speak in A Normal Tone Of Voice. Which, we all know is Very Very Different from the way My MOM Is. Can you imagine if My MOM was on the show? I would Never In A Million Years be selected! I would be Forever Dateless! I would spend Eternity Single!! First of all, my MOM would do nothing but Complain The Entire Time:

"I AM HUNGRY AND I HAVE TO EAT BECAUSE I AM DIABETIC!!!"

"WHY ARE YOU WALKING SO FAST??? DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK????"

"I HOPE YOU ARE NOT SERIOUSLY GOING TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC WEARING THAT SCHMATA YOU CALL A SHIRT!!"

And that would be in The First Five Minutes Of The Date. The Poor Boy who would have to put up with her would Never Ever Choose Me. I would Never Ever Win A Date. Which is probably exactly how My MOM would like it. When she returned home and I asked her, “So? How did it go?” She would just shrug her shoulders and say, “EH…YOU WOULD DO FAR WORSE ON YOUR OWN, BELIEVE ME!!!” And then she add, “I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!!”

Of course, if My MOM were to meet a boy I was dating in Real Life, the same thing would happen. I don't need cameras and a flimsy reality format to have My Love Life Ruined By My MOM. Which is why MY MOM never ever Hears About or Meets any boy I have ever dated. Although tempted last week to tell her that I met Totally Awesome New Boy and that he is Totally Awesome, I remained Mute. I am convinced is she Learns About Him, she will begin sending signals to Totally Awesome New Boy through the air to DRESS WARMER and DRIVE SLOWER and DO YOU THINK IT WOULD KILL MY DAUGHTER, THE DAILY RANDI, TO TAKE A HAIR BRUSH AND RUN IT THOUGH HER HAIR AT LEAST ONCE IN HER LIFE SHE HAS A RAT'S NEST UP THERE???!!! DO YOU ACTUALLY FIND THAT ATTRACTIVE???!!! FEH!!!! And then Totally Awesome New Boy would run One Thousand Miles Away. So, I keep the subject of my dating Off Limits. I think she knows I don’t like to talk about Such Things, anyway. My MOM never ever asks about My Love Life.

But, let's face facts: She probably wants to believe I am Still A Virgin.

And it's all due to MY RAT'S NEST FOR A HEAD.