Saturday, May 27, 2006

Special Weekend Bonus Greatest Hits: Please Don't Poll Me

Originally published November 5, 2004.

Yesterday, I was reading online about some Polls Regarding The Recent Presidential Election. According to One Poll, regarding Voting Trends, Married Women named Moral Values as The Most Important Issue to them. Single women thought most about Terrorism.

I find this Poll Fascinating. Of course, Single Women are Most Concerned about Terrorism! And do you want to know Why? Single Women are Most Concerned about Terrorism because we Single Women live in Fear that The World May End Tomorrow and We Will Die Single and Alone. Married Women don't have to worry about Terrorism. They can Die tomorrow, and their Last Fleeting Thought will probably be, "Goodbye, World! Well, at least I can say I was Married!" Dying Single Women are often thinking, "Oh, Crap. Now Somebody needs to Feed My Cats."

I am a Single Woman, and I will Freely Admit to Worrying About Terrorism more than The Average Person. Actually, I worry a bit more about The Mean Aliens Coming Down To Earth In Their Cigar-Shaped Space Capsule So That They Can Capture Me And Then They Search For "Clues" In My Anus With That Big Metal Thing. Alas, until The Authorities start to Take Me Seriously, I am forced to Worry About Terrorism. Just in case, I always have Clean Underwear on, because you never know when there may be a Huge Attack. In fact, I am always wearing Matching Clean Underwear -- my bra and my panties must always Coordinate. Not only that, both must Also Go With My Outer Clothes, as well. This is just so that The People Who Find Me can Easily Identify Me. My body may me be Charred To Bits, my Dental Records of No Use, but at least if they see that My Red Lace Bra Like So Totally Matches My Red Lace Panties, whomever has to go to The Morgue can at say, "It must be The Daily Randi. No one else I know would possibly care That Much about Coordinating Their Undergarments During A Terrorist Attack." Also, those Firemen are always Really Cute, and if one tries to Rescue Me, I want them to at least be Intrigued, should they have to Rip Open My Shirt and Administer CPR.

I found it Even More Interesting that The Same Poll showed that Nearly All Men named One Issue as Most Important To Them, regardless as to whether they were Married or Single: The Size Of Their Genitalia.


Anonymous said...

I got past the difficult to read caps everywhere and found the funniest post. Love that, by all means dig out old ones from time to time if they are good as this one.

Anonymous said...

you are a HOOT! (btw, that's a compliment.)