Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Special Weekday Bonus Greatest Hits: Home Depot Is Where The Heart Is

Originally published, August 17, 2004

On Saturday Morning, I had to go to Home Depot. It seems that my Toilet Bowl Seat was broken and I needed to replace it. I think I have been to Home Depot only twice before in my entire life and all I remember about my experience is that Parking Was A Nightmare. I usually don't mind going places where Parking Is A Nightmare, but on most Parking Is a Nightmare occasions, there is a Payoff of a Trip To Nordstroms and a Fabulous New Skirt. At Home Depot, all I can look forward to is Trying To Lift Up Something Very Heavy Off Of A Shelf I Cannot Reach. This being The Case, I made it my business to Fight Off The Parking Situation by getting to Home Depot as early as possible. This meant, in my sweats, hair in a ponytail, glasses still on, sans mascara.

Naturally, I could not find my way around the store and had to ask for Help. A Very Cute Boy/Home Depot Employee showed me to The Toilet Seat Area and told me I needed to decide if I required a Round Toilet Seat or an Elongated Toilet Seat. I had no idea, but the Elongated one looked Familiar, despite the fact that the Cute Boy helping me seemed to think that was not The Obvious Choice. I chose The Elongated One anyway and took it home.

Of course, the first thing I noticed when I got home was that I had a Round Toilet Seat. Now I needed to go back to Home Depot and make An Exchange, but I was already exhausted from getting up so early so I chose to Take A Nap, Shower, Put on The Cute New Vintage Dress I Intended To Wear For The Day, Apply A Little Mascara, and then Return when I Went Out Again later that afternoon. Now, Parking Was A Nightmare, but at least I knew where I was going. When I got to The Toilet Seat Section, I made my exchange, and while I was attempting to pull the Round Seat off the Too-High Shelf, a Home Depot Employee came over and tried to help me. It was The Cute Boy From The Morning and when he recognized me I sheepishly explained I had purchased the wrong seat and had to return. This is when he said, "But look how Pretty you look!" That's when I realized, "Shit. I hope he doesn't think that I went home and showered and changed for him! He doesn't realize I was only attempting to avoid a Horrible Parking Situation by Slumming It In Sweats, Glasses, And No Mascara earlier today!" I thanked him for his Help and his Complement, explaining in a stammer that I had merely Showered and Gotten Dressed For The Day and Ran Off To Pay, the whole time muttering to myself: "How Fucking Embarrassing."

The Morals of The Story:
1. Know what kind of Toilet Seat you need before you go to buy a New One.
2. Never leave your house with your Glasses On or Mascara Off again even if it is to avoid a Nightmarish Parking Situation.
3. Nightmarish Parking Situations may be Avoidable, but Embarrassing Exchanges with Very Cute Male Home Depot Employees are Not.

2 comments:

Kook-a-licious said...

Very cute story. Am glad you got your new T-seat along with a compliment!

Keep up the good work!
C.

Dave said...

Been there. Well, not the cute boy, but the toilet seat.