Private Daily Randi

I think I may need to Join The Army! Well, I don't want to fight anyone because I am A Pacifist and I don't want to go to Iraq or anything because My Hair May Frizz And You Only Get Visits From Really Lame Comedians And You May Die. But, The Army is now offering A Program called "How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk!" Lots of Army People are apparently Marrying Jerks! Can you believe that? Seriously, I may not be enlisted in The Army but I could still Totally Use This Class.

In looking over The Program, it seems to make A Lot Of Sense! Because People In The Army have trouble remembering How Not To Marry A Jerk due to all The Bombing Noises In The Background and The Chemicals They Have Been Exposed To, The Army has developed all sorts of Little Word Tricks to remind you How To Keep Jerks At Bay. For example, The Actual Program is called : "P.I.C.K. a Partner," which stands for Premarital Interpersonal Choices and Knowledge, which is I think is the same as Dating. And once you meet Your Potential Mate, you need to "Study Their F.A.C.E.S.," which means to look closely at their Family Background, Attitudes, Compatibility, Experiences In Previous Relationships, and Skills They'd Bring To The Union, which sounds a lot like Review Their On-line Profile Carefully. Then, of course, there is a "R.A.M. Chart," or a Relationship Attachment Model, which is supposed to show you that Sex Ain't All That, which reminds me a lot of My High School Health Teacher. I would never have Remembered Any Of That Stuff if not for The Acronyms. I have been exposed to Way Too Much Hair Spray in my day.

This program indeed makes A Lot Of Sense! For fun, I thought I would apply The Basic Principles to The Biggest Jerk I Have Ever Dated -- The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever. I want to see if I Would Have Avoided Him if only I had Taken The Army Class. Let's see how He Does:

F. amily Background: Um, The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever was Married, so he clearly is A Family Man! Check!

A. ttitudes: The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever always seemed Super Excited To See Me, if you catch my drift! He had a Very Positive Attitude -- I could Totally Tell/Sense Through His Pants. Check!

C. ompatibility: The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever and I got along Fabulously! Well, until he told me all about His Family Background. Then, Not So Much. But, still...I'd say we were Totally Compatible! Check!

E. xperiences In Previous Relationships: What Previous Relationship? The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever was Still In His Relationship! Is there a Sub-Category for Current Relationships? Because They Seemed to Get Along Great, once He Told Me About Her. And How Much He Loved Her. And How They Got Along So Well, He Had To Stop Seeing Me. So, that is Good, right? Check!

S. kills They'd Bring To The Union: Um...The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever could Drive A Stick, Hold A Beer, Smoke A Joint, and Be Married To Some Woman all at The Same Time he was Out On A Date With Me. That was Pretty Impressive! I hope those are The Skills The Army means. Check, Check, Check, Check!

Well, okay, maybe this Army Course isn't exactly The Right One for Me. And, really, I hope that The First Step They Teach You is To Try Not To Date A Jerk In The First Place. If you don't Date A Jerk, your chances of Marrying One are Pretty Slim. Lucky for me, All The Jerks I have Dated have Been Too Jerky To Propose.

And, If I Didn't Date Jerks, I would Never Have Anything To Write About in This Column. The Army's Loss is Your Gain!