Friday, February 10, 2006

The Greatest Hits: Doggie Style

Just Because I am still convinced that I have Some Sort Of Wicked Evil Curse Thing On Me and Am In A Rotten-Non-Writing Rage and also Just Because I get So Many Requests for This Particular Column every year around this time, you, Dear Readers, get A Daily Randi Greatest Hit today. Just Because, Enjoy!

Originally Published 2/13/04


Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I am Dying because I actually have A Date and I had to get My New Boyfriend SOMETHING and he doesn't like Sappy, Sentimental Things. I know this because he Hates his Roommate's Girlfriend who is an Esthetician and who very much likes Sentimental, Sappy Things. An example: My New Boyfriend told me that The Esthetician insisted on feeding his Roommate's Cat while they were both away and when he returned from his trip, she had left a Stupid Magnet for his Roommate on the refrigerator, infuriating My New Boyfriend. I insisted on looking at this Magnet when I was over his house after I heard this story, because I needed to know what kind of Magnet could get My New Boyfriend so Angry. He showed it to me -- he had moved it to a Far Off Nether-Region, on The Side of The Fridge so that he did Not Ever Have To Look At The Dreaded Thing. It read: "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, You are as Sweet...." I don't remember how it ended. But I made a Mental Note to Never Ever Buy My New Boyfriend Anything That Stuck To The Refrigerator. So, I am Freaking Out, because I am Sweet(ish) and I want to get My New Boyfriend SOMETHING for Valentine's Day, but we have only been dating A Month and A Week, not that I am Keeping Track, because He Hates That, Too, and I don't want him to Hate Me. So, instead, I got his Two Dogs, Two Large, Heart Shaped, Organic Dog Biscuits, with their Names Written Across Them in Delicious Pink Organic Doggie Frosting. I figure, My New Boyfriend may not like Sappy and Sentimental, but maybe his Dogs do! And I have heard that The Way to a New Boyfriend's Heart is Straight Through His Two Dogs' Hearts.

But then I started thinking: What if I just Jinxed myself??!! What if My New Boyfriend takes One Look at his Dogs' Cookies and Freaks Out and Leaves Me, because his dogs Do Hate Sappy, Sentimental Things, too, right in the middle of Our Date and then I am Stuck with The Dog Biscuits! I can't return them! Fancy Organic Dog Biscuits are Non-Refundable! And I don't know Any Other Dogs! The Worst Part is, I got the Fancy Organic Dog Biscuits Personalized, so even if I found Two Other Dogs who would like Sappy, Sentimental Things, unless their names were Hannah and Nemo, they would know -- I was Re-gifting!

Then I remembered: Dogs Love Unconditionally. Let's hope New Boyfriends do, too.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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