Thursday, January 12, 2006

Third Anniversary Edition: The Best of 2005 - CopperTone Loc-o

Happy Anniversary to Me! That's right -- This Week marks The Third Anniversary of The Daily Randi! I am So Grateful to everyone who has Read and Forwarded This Column! Over the past three years, I have written over 1000 columns and My Subscribers List has Grown and Grown. This week, please Celebrate by enjoying some of The Best Columns of 2005!

CopperTone Loc-o - Originally published April 5, 2005

Friday, I was feeling Blue and whenever I feel Blue, I like to be Brown. So, after work I went to The Tanning Salon to get A Lovely Fake Bake. I am a Big Fan of these Spray-On Tans. When I am Bronzed, I look Healthier and feel Thinner and My Green Eyes Pop and My Varicose Veins are Hardly Noticeable! Plus, you leave with an All-Over Glow, which looks like it could Come From Within and Tyra is always telling those Next American Models that It Is The Glow That Is Inside That Counts. Well, she is never specific about whether That Glow needs to be Real or Artificial, and Janice Dickinson's Glow is definitely Artificial, and Tyra likes Her, so I like to think Tyra would be Impressed with My Glow, too. The Best Part is, since The Sunless Tan develops Over Time, you can Kill Hours after you have it done by Constantly Checking Yourself In The Mirror and saying, "Am I any Tanner? Why, Yes! I Am Tanner!" I can waste An Entire Friday Night doing that! "Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall, Who Is The Tannest of Them All?" Though, the answer is almost always Paris Hilton.

So you can imagine my surprise when I Woke Up The Next Morning and discovered The Answer was suddenly, "Me!" I was "The Tannest Of Them All!" Unfortunately, my "Healthy, Golden Glow" had turned "Shocking, Orange, Whoa!" during the middle of the night. I am not sure What Exactly Went Awry this time, but I do know, It was Mortifying! Sure, it looked Okay on My Arms and Legs. But My Face was Way Too Dark to Look Real. Michael Jackson's Bleached White Skin looks More Natural than My Pumpkin Spice Face did. I didn't know what to do. That Tan Stuff doesn't just Wash Off, you know.

I decided to Just Pretend there was Absolutely Nothing Wrong with me, and ventured off to The Trendy Los Angeles Mall to visit The New Juicy at Nordstoms. While I was Feeding The Juicy, one of the saleswomen approached me from behind and asked me if she could Start A Fitting Room for me. When I Turned around to say, "Yes, thank you," I swear I heard an audible, "Oh!" as she quickly did a Frightened Double Take, Took My Terries, and Averted Her Eyes. And you know, when you are Too Tan by Trendy Hollywood Salesgirls Who Work In Trendy Hollywood Mall Standards, you are definitely Too Tan and Not Terrifically Trendy.

Fabulous Fake Inner Glow or Not.

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