Tuesday, January 17, 2006

How Much Is That Baby In The Window?

I wish I had a Dog. I grew up with Dogs my whole life. In fact, my parents got my first dog, Rocki, when I was just six months old. I used to think Rocki was My Sister because Rocki was around long before The Actual (Easily Annoyed) Sister arrived. "Ra-Ra" was my first word.

Unfortunately, I am Not Allowed to have A Dog in my current apartment building. I was thinking I would have to move, but after My Neighbors Brought Home A Screaming Baby, I decided to take out my lease and Read The Fine Print. It does say, "No Dogs Allowed." Actually, you are Not Allowed Pets Of Any Type, including Fish. But it says Absolutely Nothing about Babies! So, I think I will get A Baby, instead! My upstairs neighbors must have had The Same Idea.

I really don't know why my building allows Babies and not Dogs. Dogs may Bark, but Babies Cry and you can't Kick Them or Lock Them In A Cage to shut them up. Also, you not really supposed to Keep A Baby On A Leash. So, I guess I will have to train it Not To Run Away. The Good Thing is, at least Babies don't get Fleas. And A Baby Should Live Well Past Age 16 if you take care of it Properly and when it does, you can send it to The Store for milk and stuff.

Of course, they don't sell Babies at any Baby Store. And there isn't A Pound or A Baby Shelter where you can Adopt An Abandoned Baby. Which is A Real Shame, because I am one of those people who doesn't care if it is A Pure Bred or A Mutt. I would take A Baby that was Found On The Street or in A Dumpster, as long as they Cleaned It Up First and Gave It All Its Shots. And I would Totally Agree to Have It Fixed. That would save me a lot of Heartache if it should Get Loose Or Something and I could avoid An Uncomfortable Conversation, or two, when The Thing Gets Bigger.

And if The Baby Cries All Night Long and Keeps My Neighbors Up, Making It Impossible For Them To Sleep, Despite The Fact They Have To Get Up In Only A Few Hours To Go To Work And When They Get There They Will Be Really Cranky Because The Baby In The Apartment Above Them Won't Shut Up, really there is Not A Thing they can do about it. My Lease says Babies Are Permitted!

And Don't Worry -- I won't let My Baby just Poop On The Sidewalk And Not Clean It Up When I Take It For A Walk like Some People Do. Even I, The Daily Randi, Know Better than That.

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