Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Daily Randi Jolie-Pitt

As the writer of A Four Day A Week Column, I am often asked, "The Daily Randi, how do you possibly come up with Something Witty To Write About Every Day? Well, Every Four Days?" The Answer is, I Take Notes. Yes, when I get An Idea or See Something Funny, or Am Out At Dinner And Find Someone Laughing At What I Am Saying, I think to myself, "Must Write Daily Randi Column About Very Funny Subject!" And then, I usually write it down on A Post-it Note. Or The Closest Cocktail Napkin. Or, in My Very Handy Dandy Sidekick.

Last week, I sat down to write The Next Day's Column and realized, I needed to rely on My Notes for A Good Idea. So, out sprang The Handy Dandy Sidekick. And this is what I read:

Come over brad I know were just friends

What The Heck does That Mean??? I have A Friend Named Brad so I first assumed it must be about him. But, why on Earth would I want him to Come Over? Was I Drunk and rather than Drunk Dialing, I decided to Drunk Daily Randi Note Take? Well, Anything is Possible with me. I knew only One Person who could Decipher This Note and Straighten All This Out:

I called up Shabby.

"Come over brad I know were just friends?" she repeated. "Oh. That One is Easy. The other night over Delicious Margaritas, we were talking about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and how there is No Way that they could get away with saying they were Just Friends any longer, now that Angelina was Carrying Brad's Baby and Brad Adopted her Adopted Kids. Unless, maybe they Always were Just Friends and only considered themselves F*ck Buddies. But something went Horribly Wrong and she got Knocked Up. And then you wondered aloud if Brad Pitt kept Angelina Jolie on His AIM F*ck Buddy List and Vice Versa and if they could possibly be Text Messaging/Iming Each Other About Arrangements For Later That Evening on Their Respective Handy Dandy Sidekicks right at that moment. By the way, Angelina Jolie's Kids have been Legally Adopted Twice now. And to think some kids are lucky enough Just To Get Adopted At All! You should Write About That, too!"

"I have never even been Adopted Once!" I announced.

"Neither have I!" relented Shabby.

"Although I did convince Easily Annoyed Sister that she was Adopted and that We Found Her in A Cabbage Patch, dressed up like A Disheveled Doll one time when she was A Kid. She cried," I admitted.

Shabby sighed, "That's Cruel."

Proudly, I said, "Yeah."

Then I hung up. I knew Shabby could solve The Strange Case Of The Mysterious Handy Dandy Sidekick Note! Now, I was able to Write My Column with Confidence!

Well, as Confidentially as someone who Has Never Ever Been Adopted.

Or Rescued from Life As A Cabbage Patch Doll. Easily Annoyed Sister should really Count Her Lucky Stars.

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