Friday, January 06, 2006

The Best Present Ever

Today, I came home from work and checked my mailbox. Bills, bills, bills, Val-u-pak, bills, and A Card? The Card had no return address, but it did have A Cute Star Sticker, so I figure it had to be from someone I knew. I like Stickers. Probably, a belated Christmas card!

What I found inside was indeed A Holiday Card. I knew it Had To Be because it had one of those pictures of A Baby on it. That is all that people send these days. I swear, this year, I must have received Half A Dozen Christmas Cards featuring A Kid Wearing An Unfortunate Red And Green Plaid Frock posed in front of A Christmas Tree. Or A Poinsettia Plant. Or some sort of Vaguely Decorated Blue-ish, Gold-ish, and/or Red-like Candle Pillar Thing, leaving it Completely Open To Viewer Interpretation Which Winter Holiday The Child May Possibly Be Celebrating. When I was shopping for My Cards this year, I wanted A Baby Card, too. But, I couldn't find one in any store I shopped in. I would even go up to the salesgirl and ask, "Where do you keep The Merry Christmas Cards With The Pictures Of The Kids And Babies?" But she would just aimlessly point to Her Vast Personal Collection, tacked to the wall behind her. I had to settle for a card with A Stupid Reindeer on it. No one Gives Birth To Reindeers. Except for Other Reindeer. But, I didn't know any Reindeer to send the card to, so it was A Lost Cause.

This Card I received was A Holiday Card of a different sort, though.
Image hosted by

Besides the picture of The Cute Baby, this is what is printed on it:

"Give yourself the best present for Hanukkah!
Have A Baby!

Your biological clock is ticking.
You know you want at least one child.
Don't wait until it is too late.

Jewish male, brilliant musician, spiritual giant, quick-witted, occasionally humble, strong family history, interested in finding a Jewish woman with whom to have a child."

Um, what the heck was This Crap? I'm being Punk'd! By My Mother! I picked up the envelope and looked for A Return Address. Nothing. And then for a quick second, I thought of Calling The Guy. After all he was Correct -- My Clock Is Ticking and it Soon May Be Too Late!

And then I thought about This Fella's Method For Finding A Potential Baby Maker. This was nothing more than A Scare Tactic! I pictured this guy sitting at home, hatching his Big Plan to Meet The Woman Who Would Be The Mother Of His Child: (spoken in Spooky Mad Scientist Voice) "I have it! I shall Purchase A Mailing List Of Jewish Women! And then I shall remind them that Their Time To Have A Child is Almost Up and they are Desperate! Women Love to be told that they are Getting Old and May Be Alone for the rest of their lives! One is sure to Fall In Love With Me once I Remind Her! And if she does not Fall In Love With Me, surely she will Fall In Love with The Adorable Anonymous Baby Picture That I Have Downloaded From The Internet! This Baby would make A Fantastic Holiday Card!" (Cue Crazy Insane Mad Scientist Laughter.) "And If Nothing Happens, I shall just Try J-Date."

Wow. Here I was thinking that The Fabulous $350 Marc Jacobs Platform Pumps I purchased was giving myself The Best Present For Hanukkah. I forgot all about Having A Baby. Thanks, Guy!

No comments: