Friday, October 21, 2005

So Gnarly

The Cutest Boy Ever likes to admire The Pictures That I Hang On My Walls. I don't have that many -- just some of my favorite old family photos. There is My Parent's Wedding Picture. And one depicting My Sister and I, Circa 1976, just prior to her becoming Easily Annoyed. And, of course, My High School Class of 1988 Picture, depicting All 200 Of My Closest Friends posing on a Long Island Hillside, one Balmy October Day in 1987. I keep that last one on my bedroom wall, where most people can't find it. The Cutest Boy Ever made a beeline for it.

"Dude! This is Gnarly!" He started laughing.

I should mention that The Cutest Boy Ever was Born and Bred in Orange County, California. And, um, he uses the word, "gnarly" a lot. And, I haven't figured out if "gnarly" is Good or Bad yet.

"See if you can find me!" I dared.

I watched as he perused the photograph. He pointed to someone in the second row. "Gosh, do I Feel Sorry for her. Look at That Hair!" He was pointing to Old High School Friend.

"It's Long Island," I reminded him. "We all had Big Hair on Long Island. It's The Land O' Hair. It says so on our License Plates. Her hair is Not That Big any longer, I can assure you."

"And what about This One! Oh, Duuuuude!" This time he was pointing at Me. Carefully, I told him so.

"That's You?" He studied Me. And then scanned The Photo for anything familiar about The Much Younger Version of myself. But, then it seemed he became Distracted.

"Oh, now see This Chick? That's The One I would have gone out with! She was Hot!" The Cutest Boy Ever was pointing at My High School Nemesis, otherwise known as The Biggest Slut In Our School Who Once Tried To Beat Me Up On The Handball Court And Who Once Confiscated My High School Boyfriend's Much Prized New York State Champion Soccer Jacket And Wore It All Day, Confusing Everyone and Really Annoying Me To The Point Of Hatred.

Naturally, I was Livid. How was it possible that My High School Nemesis, otherwise known as The Biggest Slut, could still be Stealing Boyfriends from me nearly Twenty Years Later? As if transported to 1988, I wanted her To Die. I thought of Striking A Match near her Hairsprayed Whore-Head.

Then, I Remembered Something: "If you want, I can tell you where you can Find Her. She works at The Outback Steakhouse back home." I walked into the other room. Ha!

The Cutest Boy Ever followed me. "That's okay, Chick. I don't care much for Blooming Onions anymore." He gave me A Big Hug.

Unfortunately, just as I was thinking, Gosh, he really is The Cutest Boy Ever, he added, "Even if they are Really, Freaking, Gnarly Hot."

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