Tell Me About It

Last Friday Night, I was home, cleaning my apartment, preparing for a Visit From My Trophy Boyfriend the next day. My apartment was a Mess -- I tend to be Very Messy. I live alone and I have a Pile Mentality. I like to make Piles everywhere. Whenever I read one of those articles on How To Clean, and they tell you, "Everything Should Have Its Place," I always assume, that means "Everything Should Have Its Own Pile." So there are Piles everywhere. Piles on the Floor, Piles on My Kitchen Table, Piles Under My Bed. It is very Embarrassing. I didn't want My Trophy Boyfriend to View My Pile Strategy and Judge Me, so I knew I had to Dismantle The Piles and Clean.

I brought out all my Cleaning Supplies and set out to do The Job. In my mind, the most important requirement for a Good Clean Apartment isn't the Duster, Mop, or Glass Cleaner. No, it is the Music, and the Cheesier The Music, the Better The Clean. So, after I dragged out the aforementioned supplies, I stuck in my Billy Joel's Greatest Hits Double CD and stuck Disk One into my CD player.

As I was Sorting Through Pile Number Four, consisting mostly of Car Wash Discounts and Coupons for a Free Mystic Tan that I saved from those Valupak envelopes you get in the mail once a month, singing along to My Life, I suddenly heard someone Yelling At Me through my apartment window. Curious, I got up and walked over to the Troubling Sound, thinking that it may be Another Boy From The Past Telling Me That He Can't Stop Thinking About Me But They Can't Remember My Last Name And So Can't Buzz My Door Security System and that is when I saw a Neighbor With His Dog. Not a neighbor who lives in My Building, mind you. No - this was a neighbor who lived in The Building Next To Mine. He was yelling, "Turn off your Stereo or I am Calling The Police! The whole side of the building can hear it and no one wants to listen to your Trashy 70's Music." But, all I really heard was, "Billy Joel Sucks!" And this Infuriated me. Doesn't he know that Billy Joel is the Patron Saint of Long Island, where I was Born and Bred and that calling Billy Joel "Trashy" is Sacrilege? It is akin to telling someone from New Jersey to turn off their Bruce Springsteen CD! It just Isn't Done!

I didn't turn off my music because it was a Friday Night, it was only 8pm, and most importantly, I don't take lightly to being Insulted On My Musical Heritage. Instead, I yelled out the window that the man should Call The Police and tell The Police that there is An Emergency because Your Neighbor In The Next Building Is Playing Billy Joel On Her Little CD Player And You Don't Like Billy Joel Because It Is From The 1970's Which Was Probably The Last Time You Got Laid And You Don't Like To Be Reminded How Long It Has Been.

Naturally, the man Went Away In A Huff, but The Police Never Came. Sure, even I will admit, Billy Joel may be A Little Annoying at times. But at least it wasn't Mariah Carey or Debbie Gibson and they are From Long Island, too and yes, I have their CDs. Doesn't he realize it could have been Much Worse?

Maybe the next time I Clean/Dismantle My Piles, he will Find Out.