Friday, September 10, 2004

Smoothies And Syphilis

My gynecologist has gone into The Spa Business. This is the sort of thing that only happens in Los Angeles. Women in Kansas most likely do not make an appointment for a Pap Smear and get asked by the receptionist, would you like to schedule a Facial for the same day? I should mention that my doctor is The One that is quoted in all of the magazines. Cosmo, Glamour, Maxim -- you name it, she has supplied the mag with Sex Advice. She is Very Young and Very Pretty and sometimes she gets Interviewed On The Local News. When I bring in a prescription, the pharmacist at my drug store always likes to tell me that he Just Saw My Gynecologist On Eye On LA And He Has A Big Crush On Her. Knowing me, you probably think I have searched this type of doctor out after reading that she advises "How To Please A Man" in Elle, but it is an Accident that she became my gynecologist. She was referred to me via my Health Insurance. Then, one day I was reading an issue of Lucky, and she was quoted in an article on How To Dress Sexy On A First Date. When I recognized her name, I thought, "Hey! That's my Gynecologist!" I was So Proud.

I had an appointment on Tuesday, and I was instructed to go to her New Office in Santa Monica. My first clue that Something Was Up, should have been The Address -- Ocean Avenue, which is right across the street from The Beach, and right down the street from Ivy At The Shore, where J.Lo Likes To Eat Lunch. At first, I wasn't that alarmed to find that her practice was now in a Beach House. After I entered, I was surprised to see that the inside Looked Like A Beach House, including a Pre-Natal Yoga Class convening in "The Living Room." The Woman Behind The Table Serving As A Front Desk was wearing a White Lab Coat, but I doubted she was a Nurse, as she was Way Too Heavily Made Up and Way Too Snooty. She seemed disappointed that I was there only for a Check Up and not a Manicure.

After I filled out my Required Paperwork and Made My Co-Pay, I was sent to The Waiting Room/Parlour. There I sat, amongst Pricey Designer Lotions, Scented Candles, Nail Polish, and Massage Oils that were all For Sale, along side a Small Display Of Pamphlets About Cervical Cancer Warning Signs. There were two other women waiting with me. One was Pregnant and I expected she was there for Obstetrics, but then I overheard her tell the "Nurse" that she only wanted a 45 Minute Massage. The other woman waiting was on her Cell Phone and she was Telling Her Assistant On The Other End that she needed to Change The Meeting because while she had Had Her Culture Done And Doesn't Think She Has Another Herpes Outbreak As She Had Feared, she had yet to get Her Pedicure.

My appointment was surprisingly Normal, despite the New Office/Spa. My gynecologist is still Very Young and Very Pretty, but she is also Very Nice which is why I continue to go to her, despite the Oddness Of Her Practice. However, I admit it -- I was really surprised she didn't offer me a Brazilian Bikini Wax before I took my legs out of the stirrups.

The whole time, I was so afraid she was thinking I could have Used One.

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