Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Dear Daily Randi: Eventual Event

It's Thursday and that means it is The Daily Randi Advice Day! Keep those cards and letters coming and please remember, I have no idea what I am talking about........

Dear The Daily Randi:

The other day in class, My Yoga Teacher congratulated a Fellow Student on Getting Married. Someone on the other side of the room misheard My Yoga Teacher and thought she said, "I'm Getting Married!" My Yoga Teacher replied, "No, I am Not Getting Married. Well, Eventually I Will Be Getting Married, but I was talking about Britney, sitting in Easy Pose, over there." Britney is Not Really the name of The Girl Who Got Married. Well, actually, over the weekend, Britney Spears Got Married, but Britney Spears is not in My Yoga Class, and anyhow, now they are saying She Didn't Get Married. Britney Spears, that is. Not "Student Not Really Named Britney." But I bet Britney Spears is still going around and telling everybody she Did Get Married so she can get a Free Upgrade to The Honeymoon Suite in Hotels. I used to work in a Hotel and Someone Who Worked The Front Desk told me that Couples would come in All The Time and announce they had Just Gotten Married so that they would get Free Champagne and everyone knew that they were So Totally Lying because The Woman was almost always Dressed Like A Hooker. Come to think of it, Britney Spears Dresses Like A Hooker! Well, maybe The Hooker thought that she would be Eventually Getting Married. Maybe Britney Spears knows she is Not Married, but Eventually she is Getting Married and her Not A Wedding Ceremony over the weekend was just to celebrate her Eventual Marriage. But that is besides the point. The point is that My Yoga Teacher announced that she was Eventually Getting Married.

I know My Yoga Teacher has a boyfriend, but they have only been dating for five months and they are Not Engaged or anything. And yet she is telling people she will be Eventually Getting Married. My question is this, The Daily Randi: Can I tell people that I will be Eventually Getting Married, too? I don't actually have a boyfriend right now, but I am hoping I do soon, someday, and they will want to Eventually Marry Me. Or, he may Break Up with me and The Boyfriend After That will Marry Me. Eventually. Eventually, Someone Will Have To Eventually Marry Me. Even in The Event that I have to resort to Trickery/Alcohol Poisoning

Eventually I Need A Response

Dear Thanks For Waiting/Writing:

Eventually you will be Getting Married, it is true. However, Eventually, Animals Will Learn How To Talk, The Real Estate Market Will Finally Crash, and The World Will Come To An End. In other words, Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch.

You May Eventually Find Yourself Stuck Holding A Basket Full Of Rotten Eggs, And That Basket Will Look A Lot Like Your Shriveled Up Ovaries,

The Daily Randi

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