Friday, September 24, 2004

Celebrities Uncensored

Tonight I had the Pleasure of Meeting Some Old Work Friends at a Trendy Los Angeles Sushi Restaurant. As I was approaching the Infamous Establishment, I noticed a Mob of Dirty Men with Cameras Around Their Necks and Draped Over Their Shoulders, discussing the Advantages Of Working On A Moped Versus A Flat Bed Truck. Immediately, I recognized them as The Paparazzi. "Darn," I thought to myself. "Who alerted The Paparazzi that I, The Daily Randi, was going to be Dining Here For Dinner this evening?" And then: "How Embarrassing that I was Too Cheap to Valet." I comforted myself with the notion that Us Magazine could run the photograph of The Daily Randi Entering Said Eatery En Foot on the "Relationship E-Mail Columnists -- They're Just Like Us! They are Too Cheap to Valet because they did Too Much Shopping and Not Enough Rational Budgeting Of Their Money This Month!" page. I entered the Fabulous Restaurant and found my friends at the bar. Immediately, I Reprimanded them for Leaking Our Dinner Reservation To The Mob Of Little People, but they just told me to Turn Around and there sat Pamela Anderson.

Pamela Anderson was All Made Up like she had just left The Set of her latest -- wait? Movie? TV Show? Um....What exactly does Pamela Anderson Do these days? She was sitting with that Younger Man she is dating, the one she calls her New Boy Toy. Well, sitting On The New Boy Toy, and along side about 15 of Their Closest Friends. While we were Pretending Not To Stare, she got up and Walked Towards The Bathroom and I remembered that I Had To Go To The Bathroom, Too, Yes I Did, and so I followed Pamela Anderson to The Bathroom. As I waited in line, I got to look Really Closely at The Back Of Her Head and Her Hair, which seemed Unreal to me. It was Very Blonde, and had pieces which had been Very Specifically Curled. It looked like a Wig. Or at the very least, Extensions. Then, I remembered the episode of America's Top Model that I had seen the night before. In it, the Model Hopelesses went to a Local Los Angeles Dive Bar where some Ordinary Drunk Girls picked a Fight with the Model Hopelesses Drunk Girls and then somehow they Challenged Them To a Dance-Off, just like in Footloose and then one of the Ordinary Drunk Girls poured a Beer on this Ghetto Model Hopeless Drunk Girl and the Drunk Ghetto Model Chick got So Angry, and she kept shouting, "Bitch Dumped Beer On My Weave! Bitch Dumped Beer On My Weave!" I guess Beer Dumping is Against The Rules in a Dance-Off. I have never been in a Dance-Off, but while I was standing next to Pamela Anderson, waiting to Use The Bathroom and Staring At Her Very Fake Hair/Wig/Blonde Head-Pet, I started to Daydream about What It Would Be Like If I Challenged Pamela Anderson To A Dance-Off Right Then And There. Surely, I would Win The Dance-Off Competition, as I am an Excellent Dancer, but if I Didn't, due Solely to her Celebrity Status, Celebrities Get Away With Murder these days, I am sure she could Get Away with Unfairly Winning a Dance-Off, I would definitely Have To Break The Dance-Off Rules. Except, because I was in a Japanese Restaurant, instead of Beer, I would have to grab some Sake and Dump It Over Her Head, and then I prayed she would shout, "Bitch Dumped Sake On My Weave! Bitch Dumped Sake On My Weave!"

And, then, Hopefully, the Waiting Paparazzi would Capture The Moment For Prosperity.

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