Up Chuck Or Swallow?

I have A New Boyfriend. His name is Charles Shaw and he got me Drunk last night. I met him at Trader Joe's, in The Liquor Aisle (My Usual Haunt, where The Goods are kept). I admit it, he was A Nice Cheap Date (Only A Buck Ninety-Nine). I had My Doubts about him, but I thought, if I didn't like him, I would just Spit Him Out, and lesson learned. Turned out, he tasted Real Good. Went down nice and easy, see? He had a uniquely Earthy Quality, and when I let him linger in my mouth, he tasted Delicious and Mineraly -- not unlike Blood. Just creepy enough to give me Goosebumps. He made me feel All Warm Inside, too. It was Love At First Swallow.

Well, okay, sometimes he made me Sneeze, I don't really know what that is all about. And I sort of have A Rash, but I am in denial about that one, too. And let's not talk about The Headache in the morning. Not So Pretty. And I have no idea why My Knee Is All Black And Blue And There Is A Dent In My Bathroom Door And I Have Reorganized My CDs By "Importance To Future Brooding Boyfriend" And I Woke Up With My Eye Lids Coated With Fuchsia Sparkles. Blame Charlie for that.

Of course, in the morning. He Was Gone. Not even A Note. Just A, Sad, Empty Bottle. But, that’s Okay. I know where to find him again.

Don't hate me because I love Two Buck Chuck. I Just Can't Help Myself.