Friday, April 07, 2006

No Mythery Here

When I was A Kid, I used to love Sesame Street. My favorite character was not Cookie Monster. Or, even Big Bird. No, instead it was Snuffleuphagus. I Adored Snuffleuphagus. In case you don't remember, Snuffleuphagus was Big Bird's Wooly Mamoth-esque Friend. He was Really Nice and A Bit Shy and No One Believed He Existed. Big Bird would tell his friends on Sesame Street, "Oh, Snuffleuphagus said This! Snuffleuphagus said That!" But no one ever actually saw Snuffleuphagus. Snuffleuphagus would always Disappear right when Big Bird would turn around and say, "Hey! Snuffleuphagus! Come on over here and tell them what you said!" And the other People and Muppets who resided on Sesame Street would just Roll Their Eyes at Poor Big Bird. As a child, this always made me feel Sad for Snuffleuphagus. But, even More Sad for Big Bird. After all, I believed in Snuffleuphagus! I could see that He Really Existed! Years later, The Powers That Be at Sesame Street decided to let others see Snuffleuphagus with their own eyes. And then, naturally, They All Believed.

The other night, when The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever came to sit in My Show and Watch Me Perform My Essay, I felt just like Big Bird the day that His Friend Was Proven To Exist. This may be difficult to imagine, but over all the years I have been An Adult, None Of My Friends Have Ever Met Any Of The Men I Have Dated. Even when I was A Teenager, I had A Long Distance Relationship for years with A Boy I Met At Summer Camp, whom No One Had Ever Met because he rarely came to visit. As an Adult, I think The Reason no one has ever been introduced To The Boys I Have Dated is because I Never Seem To Get To The Point In A Relationship Where Introductions Are Necessary. The Men Disappear long before I ever get to include them in Happy Hour. Or ask them to Meet Me And Shabby For Dinner. And, they have Never Ever Showed Up At Any Of My Shows. Even if they have been Invited.

To be honest, when I Invited The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever, I Never figured he would Actually Attend. So, when I received The Voice Mail From Him, Alerting Me To His Standing In Front Of The Theatre Anxiously Awaiting My Performance, just prior to The Start Of The Show, I was Really, well, I Was Really Nervous. And Worried. Whereas other men have Read My Essays and My Blog, or Adored My Sense Of Humor, I wasn't even sure The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever was aware that I Was A Writer. He had never been told I Wrote A Column. He had certainly Never Found Me Funny. Or realized He Was Supposed To. Sure, every now and then, he would say, "Hey! That was Pretty Funny what you just said!" But, he always said it like It Was Some Sort Of Surprise. I was pretty sure I was just Arm Candy to him. He once told me I made Excellent Arm Candy.

When the show was over and I stepped outside the theatre, I was Super Touched to see him Standing There, Grinning Ear To Ear. "You were Great!" he enthused. He seemed Utterly Amused and Genuine. "I never realized you were So Funny!" He gave me a Big Public Kiss On The Lips. And then, The Most Amazing Thing Happened: He Met My Friends. I stood there, introducing him to The Others Who I Knew, And Had Come Out And Seen The Show and watched as He Shook Their Hands. Finally, for once in my life, My Sex/Love/Sex Life was No Longer Restricted to Code Names and Exaggerated Stories. The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever took on A Real Role in My Life. Snuffleuphagus was Exposed at last!

Later, Good Friend Who Always Takes Me Out When A Boy Doesn't Call And/Or After An Excellent Performance Featuring Myself and Her Boyfriend and The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever and I partook in Beer and Snacks at The Eating Establishment next door to The Theatre. I observed -- in Utter Amazement -- as The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever engaged Good Friend's Boyfriend in A Conversation Debating The Merits Of Basketball And Their Favorite Teams. I have Never been one of those people who is Part Of A Couple, out with Another Couple. "Should Good Friend and I begin to Clear The Table?" I thought. "That is what they always do in The Movies!" But, this place had Busboys to do that job. So, I just Sat and Listened and Observed that The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever had Wrapped His Arm Around Me in the booth.

Just before we were leaving, Good Friend called me over. "He is Really Nice. I like Him." she confided.

"Yeah. But, he is The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever. Don't Forget."

"But, he Likes you So Much. He is Very Nice to you." A second passed before she said. "Although, he is Not As Tall as I imagined. He was A Mythical Creature to me before tonight. So, I pictured him A Lot Taller. Kind of like Paul Bunyan."

"Or, like Snuffleuphagus?" I suggested.

"Or, Just like Snuffleuphagus!" Good Friend agreed.

And then she added, "Except, of course, I know now that He Is For Real."

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