Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Escape From The Most Boring Boy On Earth

I have written about it before -- I know when I am on A Bad Date when I find myself Humming In My Head, "The Potato Chips Song." It goes like this: "Potato Chips...Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Potato Chips.... Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Munching, Crunching In My Mouth, I Love Me Some Potato Chips!"

A few nights ago, I had A Blind Date with The Most Boring Boy On Earth. He didn't Talk. He didn't Ask Me Any Questions. When I Asked Him Things, he would respond with, "I guess so." And then.....Well, and Then Nothing. Silence. He just Sat Across From Me. Staring. The Most Boring Boy On Earth was Perfectly Nice but, It was Perfectly Awful. And then, of course, well...

"Potato Chips...Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...."

I was Relieved when I Finished My Drink. The Most Boring Boy On Earth offered me Another, but I Politely Declined. "Got to Go!" I told him as I reached for my coat. "I have to go to The Grocery Store before it Closes! I am out of, um, Milk!" I hoped The Most Boring Boy On Earth didn't know that the market near my house was Open 24 Hours. And that I am Lactose Intolerant.

"Oh, well, I am going to get Another One," he told me, Utterly Oblivious.

I watched The Most Boring Boy On Earth walk up to The Bar. Dammit. Can't he take A Hint? And isn't this the Most Boring Date The Most Boring Boy On Earth Has Ever Been On In His Life, too? We have Nothing In Common!

"Potato Chips...Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...."

When The Most Boring Boy On Earth returned with A Pint Of Guinness, I knew I was Doomed. Really? A Guinness? But, Guinness take So Long to drink! And that is A Large Glass! Ugh! What is The Most Boring Boy On Earth thinking??? Quickly, I considered resorting to The Emergency Phone Call! Then I remembered -- I had No Emergency Phone Call in place! I Completely Neglected to Pre-Plan For My Predicament, not figuring that I was to come Face To Face with The Most Boring Boy On Earth! Worse, when I arrived, My Phone Was Ringing and I Had Foolishly Taken It Out and Turned It Off Right In Front Of Him. Oh, Lord, What Had I Done????

Hours seemed to have passed before The Most Boring Boy On Earth Finally Finished His Beer. I must have sung That Potato Chips Song in my head One Thousand Times. The Song was Set On Repeat. When The Most Boring Boy On Earth told me His Last Girlfriend was Mormon and Whispered It Like She Had Cancer, then discovered I was Jewish and Whispered It Like I Had Gonorrhea, I knew I had to Go.

"You are going to be 36 on Monday!" I reminded myself as I Quickly Said Goodnight to The Most Boring Boy On Earth and Skedaddled out of The Bar A Bit Too Fast To Be Considered Polite. "He may be Really Nice, but Girlfriend, You have No Time To Waste!"

And, also, "Potato Chips...Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm...."

1 comment:

Shelly said...

I think I've dated that guy...